Every True Strength is Gained Through Struggle

A lot stronger than I was yesterday.

2012-01-29T10:27:00.001-05:00

I considered changing the look and the theme of this blog with the new year, but in light of recent events and after pondering the thought for some time, I have decided against it. I am a lot stronger today than I was yesterday. There are many challenges that lie ahead and I'm ready to tackle them too. I like the rustic look, and the discourse is appealing, inspiring and uplifting.

As the month of January is coming to a close, I am starting a new beginning. Tomorrow I am headed to San Antonio for business meetings. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life. I am ecstatic to begin my career. This has been a long time effort and I am so ready for what lies ahead!
Friday, after two days of nursing pain in my back and following the advice of my Aunt Sue, I went to the doctor. They were great at getting me an appointment and I was in and out in 15 minutes. However, she told me it was a muscle tear and that I needed to alternate between ice and heat and she wrote me a prescription for Naproxin. After filling the prescription and making it home to bed, I layed on an icepack.

It was the absolute WORST thing I could have done. I experienced the most physical pain I've ever felt. It doubled me over, and I couldn't even find a comfortable position. I couldn't stand, I couldn't sit, I was curled into a ball in tears. Now granted, I am a baby and I have a very low tolerance for pain, but I'm not exaggerating at all. With the help of my amazing mother, we went to visit Dr. Andosca. He was able to help me and I went back to his office yesterday for another alignment. My pelvis was out. I think it still might be and that it has been out for a very long time. I'm experiencing discomfort now, but no where near the pain I was last week. Thank you to my mom and Dr. Andosca!

I spent yesterday afternoon with my friend, Brian. We went to see Man on A Ledge, which was actually better than I anticipated and I hate the title. We also had a late dinner together. It was a great day.

Change is inevitable. Things are changing all around me, all the time. I'm sure you can relate. I'm trying my best to ride the tide, and roll with the punches. Bring it on because I am a lot stronger today than I was yesterday.

JOB OFFER!!!

2012-01-13T01:31:00.000-05:00

My heart is so incredibly full. Things have been so dark and depressing that I can hardly stand this excitement and happiness! This past week has been an absolute blast! Monday, I went over to my long lost buddy, Dan's house and hung out with him for awhile. It was nice to see all of the home improvements he's made to the house. It's looking really good! Then Tuesday I went over and went hot tubing with him and Stephanie Dupler! It was a lot of fun. Steph had to work at 5 the next morning, so she left early, but my long lost pal, April Taylor stopped by with her fiance and we caught up! She moved back to Ohio from Alabama in the fall of last year and this is the first opportunity we've had to get together! Ironically, Dan lives next door to her uncle!

I didn't get much sleep that night, so I slept much of Wednesday. It was Jackie's day off, so she called me and wanted me to go along with her to the mall to shop for some event coming up this weekend. It was great to get out of the house, and visit with her! I have missed her so much. So as we were shopping, I got the phone call from DaVita!! Donna offered me the position! Words can't even express how happy and grateful I am. The pay is excellent, the job sounds great and it really is a company and a career path. I'm so hopeful that this is my last job ever!!!

I'm waiting to meet up with one more friend, Mr. Matt Barkley. Hopefully this weekend. 2012 is already shaping up to be a good year!! I'm so thankful for the blessing of my Heavenly Father. Below are the

ESSENTIAL DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES of the new job!!

The following duties and responsibilities generally reflect the expectations of this position but are not intended to be all inclusive.

Patient Interaction and Commercial Retention
Meets with new patient to discuss insurance assessment
Educate patient of financial rights and responsibilities
Identify and communicate effectively opportunities to better the insurance status of the patient, alleviating financial risk and burden for patient and facility
Initiate appropriate and necessary paperwork ensuring least amount of patient and facility liability
Timing of new patient visit dependant on patient risk factors, ranging from 2 weeks to 30 days from first day of treatment at DaVita facility
Provide high-level of customer service to patients to ensure patient needs are met
Act as a liaison between patients, facility teammates, billing office and the corporate office to resolve patient insurance issues and/or concerns; proactively establish relationships with patients
Maintain relationship with existing patients
Identify, resolve or escalate issues (insurance, billing, and satisfaction) as appropriate for prompt and effective resolution
Support patient collection activities as necessary, especially where payer sends payments directly to patient
Assist patients in retaining or obtaining insurance coverage
Research and communicate effectively to the patient additional insurance options for primary and/or secondary coverage
Through signed release of information, advocate on behalf of patient in researching and resolving financial issues and insurance options with employer, insurance company or other available entities seen fit
Field Interaction
Establish and build relationships with clinical and regional resources (DVP, ROD, FA) to emphasize and integrate Insurance Management priorities
Review patient lists with Facility Administrators and teammates to identify potential patient insurance issues
Partner with Social Workers to maintain awareness of patient insurance questions
Distribute tracking reports to social work teammates and supply any additional tools or education that may be necessary
Identify and brainstorm to resolve difficult situations that may impact a patient's level of financial liability
Partner with Social Worker and/or other Facility teammates for continued follow through of processing any necessary applications or forms to ensure least liability for patient and facility
Support presentation development and distribution of educational tools on insurance information for field teammates
Provide training to clinical teammates to anticipate and recognize changes in patient insurance coverage as necessary
Reporting
Provide monthly reporting and analysis on key metrics related to patient growth and retention to senior management
Compile monthly operations reviews on assigned patient portfolio
Participate in SAMs calls as necessary to report status of patient losses or potential losses
Other duties and responsibilities as assigned
Attend team meetings, phone conferences, and training as needed
Know, understand, and follow teammate guidelines, employment policies, and department or company procedures
Participate as requested in special projects and Insurance Management team initiatives
Mentor team members as appropriate on Insurance Management practices
Shadow new hires to mentor and to provide training as needed
Inform transient commercial patients about DaVita services and DaVita facilities in patients' local areas
Participate in growth and/or branding activities for new commercial patients as needed
Travel required: up to 85%

CoNGraTuLaTioNs to tHe NeWlY Mr. & MrS. GeOrGe!

2012-01-10T21:16:00.001-05:00

I met Rachel at a YSA Conference in South Korea! I fell in love with her almost immediately! I think it's her beautiful smile ;) She is so incredibly nice as well. We're friends for life and I am so insanely happy for her! Congratulations Rachel!! Unfortunately, I have to send regrets that I'm unable to make it to celebrate with you, but I will see you again soon and I'll take a rain-check on the celebrating for now, but know that I'm looking forward to meeting Jared (very, very soon!!).

Relationship Needs Assessment

2012-01-06T08:49:00.000-05:00

Last week I took a test that was created by the world’s foremost team of academic psychologists who specialize in personality testing, called the Relationship Needs Assessment and here are the results! I've inserted my personal thoughts in red text! Hope you enjoy as much as I did!!
Interdependence
Interdependence refers to how much you need dependency or a “couple identity” with your partner. Totally agree. You are highly interdependent in relationships. This means that you desire – and perhaps even demand – a substantial degree of physical and emotional connection with a partner and other loved ones. True. Those connections and interactions can be frequent and superficial or they can be deep and meaningful. Preferably the latter =) And you are probably attracted quickly to someone who you can deeply respect and even emulate to a degree. In fact, it is typical for a person in this score range to consider how a particular romantic partner might reflect on his/her own family and friends. Very accurate All of this does not mean that you do not need personal space now and then; nearly everyone values being unique and different from others in some respects. However, people in this range draw considerable strength, comfort and sense of identity from close relationships. You like to know about virtually all aspects of your partner’s life. Thus, when you feel close to someone this person becomes an extremely important part of who you are on the inside and outside. You probably prefer that you and your partner’s recreational activities be shared together since you like having your partner physically close and desire showing off your “couplehood” in public. Bottom line: you need someone who responds to the fact that you enjoy the reassurance of physical contact and emotional sharing, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals and whose character is deserving of your loyalty and affection.

Intimacy

Intimacy refers to the how much you need emotional closeness with your partner. You are very comfortable with being intimate and vulnerable with a partner. However, your desire for emotional closeness and security puts you at some risk for disclosing too much, too soon when a relationship is newly developing. People like you have big hearts and an impressive openness to your partner. So very true! That openness includes lessons learned from your past experiences and relationships, extending trust, believing your partner returns your feelings and devotion and being generally comfortable with surrendering yourself to a partner. In fact, you probably feel very uncomfortable – and even guilty – if there were any secrets between you and your partner. Likewise, you regard your lover as your best friend and your foremost confidant. In a perfect world... There is typically no hesitation discussing current problems or concerns with this person. It also seems that you have realistic expectations for a committed relationship. You are willing to act on the belief that your partner’s feelings are equally as strong as yours. Therefore, you are probably not deterred in taking the risks associated with being vulnerable on all levels. Bottom line: you need someone who believes and acts on the belief that the intimacy of a relationship is sacred. Oh, I hadn't realized that, sounds good though!

Self-efficacy

Self-Efficacy refers to your self-image, stability of mood and level of motivation. You have good levels of self-esteem, sense of self and a sense of accomplishment. I agree. It seems you are acutely aware – but accepting – of your strengths and weaknesses. Likewise, you likely feel that people who are important in your life understand you. I'm not too sure that I feel like they understand me but it is super important to me that they do understand me and why I do some of the things that I do. But people in your scoring range tend to be comfortable not giving in to peer, family and other social pressures. Family is indeed important to you, but their expectations do not strongly influence your life. Yes, right on!! Always been this way. Instead, people who score like you tend to have their own well-defined ambitions and goals – and may even set specific benchmarks to monitor the progress made toward achievements. You probably have a strong sense of control over your life and are decisive in managing it. You are also probably very influential and persuasive with others. Aw, I'd like to think so but I'm not sure if it is true. In fact, your family, friends and acquaintances may often come to you for ideas of guidance across a range of issues. Bottom line: you need a partner who has a good degree of energy, enthusiasm and self-efficacy like you, as opposed to a partner who needs constant nurturance and reassurance to feel empowered and valued as person. One thought: Wow.

Relationship readiness

Relationship Readiness refers to how prepared you are emotionally, psychologically and pragmatically for a committed relationship. You seem to have a good foundation and appear pretty much ready and willing to find a committed relationship. In fact, most people in this scoring range have a clear vision and a sense of purpose for their life. They have the ability to connect with others, they have well defined ideas about where their life is headed and they are assertive and resourceful in meeting their goals. Therefore, you likely feel in control and are able to take charge and go after what you want in life and in a relationship. Your housekeeping is also probably in check – meaning that you do not have any negative baggage that can weigh down a relationship, very much disagree with that like financial or legal problems or emotional, health or family issues ahaha, all of the above, check!!. As such, you do not seem to be seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life or to gain a feeling of acceptance and belonging that was weakened or lost due to other relationships that ended or disappointed you hmmm, is this accurate and correct? Although I'd like to believe so, I'm not completely convinced. Rather, it seems to be that you are striving for a balance in your life and that now includes wanting to offer everything you can to a partner. Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled. Totally true!

Communication

Communication refers to your approach to interpersonal interactions and level of emotional intelligence. Effective communicators have strong emotional intelligence, and you seem to fit this description. For sure! It is expected that you show considerable tolerance of ambiguity and emotional expression. You are usually extremely sensitive to other’s feelings and to their body language. Very true. Always have been that way, and probably always will be. Those who know you well would probably describe you as patient, uh, not so much open and eager to listen to others. People in this scoring range are also not afraid of making or admitting to mistakes. They consistently and bravely show vulnerability to others. In fact, they are constantly aware how their behavior impacts others. You can communicate your needs and feelings honestly when someone engages you directly, and you can take the initiative and be assertive when needed. However, a defining characteristic of people in this range is that they do not rush to judgment. Rather, they pay attention, listen without jumping to conclusions and then reflect on information before responding. In a sentence, you seek both to understand others and for others to understand you. Bottom line: you need someone who is eager to give, collect and discuss information with you patiently versus communicate with you on superficial levels out of convenience. True that!

Conflict resolution

Conflict Resolution refers to your stress management and problem solving skills. Effective conflict resolution has nine general elements: View Conflict as Positive; Address Conflict in the Proper Atmosphere; Clarify Perceptions; Note Needs, not wants; Draw on the Power of a Positive Partnership; Focus on the Future, then learn from the past; Identify Options for Mutual Gain; Develop ‘Doables’ or stepping stones to action; and Make Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. Your score indicates that you are fairly strong on all of these basic elements, except for Making Mutually-Beneficial Agreements. This suggests that you are very flexible and action-oriented when addressing problems, yet not so eager to find resolution that you settle for quick, temporary agreements. Settling on a temporary agreement is often a way of avoiding conflict, and it can lead to needs not being met. You do not seem to avoid conflict; instead you appear to evaluate the possible solutions and then actively engage your partner to work on a positive outcome for the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements. Definately learned a lot about myself from this section of the assessment!

Sexuality

Sexuality refers to your needs (frequency, boundaries, expressions) related to physical intimacy. Scientific models of love and attachment always include physical chemistry and sexuality. It is a crucial topic for any couple to address, because it involves issues of control and vulnerability. People at your scoring level have a firm sense of their sexual orientation, preferred sexual activities and comfort level. You like sex that is romantic, adventurous and fun, but for you sex is not a casual event. Sex has great importance in your relationship, and it is reserved for someone you love. Now, it makes sense. You may think your sexual preferences would be viewed as conservative by others, but you are hardly a prude. You tend to be very confident in your sexual ability, you are not self conscious in bed and you are open to try various activities. People in this scoring range are willing to be vulnerable and relinquish control in the bedroom to their partners. In other words, you are not sexually selfish. Accurate. While you appreciate spontaneity and wild abandon in sex, you also seem to like for sex to be planned to some extent. Most times this probably reflects the fact that you like to set the mood, build anticipation and ensure you have privacy and no interruptions. Bottom line: you need someone who regards sex as a meaningful bond between people in love and who appreciates when it is planned to some extent rather than completely spontaneous.

Attitudes toward love

Attitudes Toward Love refers to your level of needs for romantic love and friendship love. There are two main types of love – Romantic Love and Companionate Love. Romantic Love is passionate, emotional and intense, whereas Companionate Love is a deep, affectionate attachment. People feel these two types of loves to different degrees in a relationship, and the levels of each can fluctuate over time. You scored as someone who may be best described as “a “hopeless romantic with a touch of realist.” This means that you do value the safety, security and comfort of Companionate Love, but for you a relationship must have a strong dose of Romantic Love. In this sense, you desire someone who is on the same wavelength as you –sharing similar attitudes, moods and impulses. It is common for people in this range to view their partner as a soul mate – a person who you were destined to meet and fall in love with. Not certain if I agree or disagree, actually. This attitude of “love conquers all” is optimistic and sweet, but it is not productive to remain in a “love daze” and idealize your partner constantly. Seeing a partner and relationship while only wearing rose-colored glasses can prevent you from identifying and addressing problem areas in the relationship. Bottom line: you need someone who satisfies the hopeless romantic in you but who will insist that you take time to get to know each other well before the taking the relationship to next levels.

Preferred Expressions of Affection

Preferred Expressions of Affection refers to your likes and dislikes for different ways a partner can express love and devotion. There are many ways in which people show affection to their loved ones: physical touch, doing favors, spending time together, giving gifts or communicating love through words. Statistically, you gave higher weighted ratings to Actions. Bottom line: You need someone who can express affection through simple or grand acts of kindness – such as helping you out around the house, running errands for you or doing favors without being asked.
This does not mean that you neither like nor need Verbal Communication. Rather, it suggests that you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just verbal expressions such as spontaneous compliments, frequent “I love you’s,” occasional notes for you to find and recognition of your achievements.

The Power of Now

2012-01-01T04:14:00.000-05:00

Finally, the day has come. Happy New Year 2012!! I've been anxiously awaiting your arrival. For those of you close to me know, 2011 was a brutal year for me and I've dwelled upon my misfortunes on this blog time and time again throughout the year. It hasn't been an easy road, but with the continuous support of my family and friends I'm still here and doing rather well with all things considered. I've said things that I wish I wouldn't have said, or certainly blogged, but it is what it is and I felt that way at one time.

I updated my status on Facebook tonight to read, "I'm ringing in this new year with a kiss from my momma, a smile and a light heart! Couldn't think of a better way to welcome 2012! Excited to see what this year brings!!" I must admit that 2011 wasn't all bad. I made up with Jen! Samiya was born (see below!!!), Matt & Gail got their new home, I made some lifelong true friends! But, perhaps most importantly, my life transformation; not the emotional, physical one but the spiritual one.

Love is like a flame. If unattended it withers and dies almost like, it never existed. But, when nurtured love can grow from a spark...into a blaze that gets stronger with every passing year. Love can be huddled around for warmth in times of struggle and hardship. It can light the way when darkness is near. With love, nothing is impossible. Life as I know it, is forever different. My perspective has changed.

Meet my darling and precious niece, Samiya Ann-Marie Brent. She was born on Thursday December 22 at 3:38 PM at MedCentral in Mansfield, Ohio weighing in at 6 lbs & 1 oz and was 20 inches long!! I'm a little bit jealous of my sister, as she is 9 years younger than I am and having babies before me. That isn't the way life is supposed to work! I'm also jealous that she had a painless labor that went fairly quickly and now has this beautiful baby to care for. She has been truly blessed!! I went to visit them this past week and I didn't want to leave! I'm going to call her Sam for short. Sayah doesn't like it, but I do and until Samiya tells me that she doesn't, that's my name for her! I can't wait to spoil her. I absolutely love, love, love being an aunt. It's one of the greatest things in the world!! I'm going to make sure she knows that she can always count on me, can always come to me and that when mommy says no, Aunt Tara will say yes! Haha!!!

2-0-1-1 SEE-YA PIZZA!!

2011-12-24T02:16:00.000-05:00

Wow. What a year 2011 has been. I'm sure glad it is finally coming to an end. With that, I hope that 2012 proves to be a great year full of abundant, unexpected blessings; the kind that support your progression in life, not hinder it. I really don't want to review the years highlights as they are rather depressing, but I am excited to see and experience what the future has in store for me. I am changing so much, inside & out. I have been living my life in the past and the future for so long that it has made me a very unhappy and bitter person. I didn't realize this until now, with the help of a book written by Eckhart Tolle titled The Power of Now. It's nothing shy of amazing and it very well may have, saved my life.

Just want to keep this short and sweet and to say humbly to my family, thank you. Words can't express my gratitude and admiration for you. I'm so thankful for this Holiday season and to be with the people that I love!

On Monday, we discovered that Michael Zirker is Type 1 diabetic. Please keep him and his family, my cousin Jennifer, husband Clint and baby sister Chloe in your prayers as they are learning to adjust to a new lifestyle. On Thursday, 12/22/2011 Sayah gave birth to a baby girl. Her name is Samiya Ann-Marie. Tonight we will celebrate Christmas with the Reynolds' at Mary's house.

In need of some Inspiration.

2011-12-08T01:53:00.000-05:00

Above all else, I am a Christian, for what it's worth and whatever that means.

2011-11-30T18:33:00.002-05:00

Upon my return from South Korea, I was inactive and not attending church. It was a decision I made to support my family, and to take a step back and exam my life and how I was living it. I've been struggling since. Last week, I came across my dear, sweet friend Lauren Johnson's work HERE. Specifically, the one that grabbed my attention was Mitch Mayne's podcast, 13 & 14. For those of you who may not be aware, Mitch is an openly gay Latter-Day Saint.

How is it possible? I wondered the same thing. Not only is he openly gay and LDS, but he serves in a calling as the Executive Secretary in his ward. That really sparked my interest, so I listened to the first part of his podcast. Lauren darling, you are amazing and you asked some great questions! The thing that struck me was Prop 8. I've heard a lot about it, but never really understood it. For those of you in the same boat, prop 8 was passed in November of 2008 following a statewide vote in California, which declared "only a man and a woman is valid or recognized by the state of California." It was passed by a 4.0 % margin. It was by LDS involvement that this came to pass.

Monday evening, I laid on the couch surfing the Netflix que and came across 8: The Mormon Proposition and so I couldn't stop myself from watching, despite the fact that the description was clear; it was a documentary by a former gay LDS member. I'm a very open-minded person and with the Spirit can listen to and study just about anything, and I really wanted to know more about Prop 8.

Although the film portrayed the church in a horrible light, I thought that Reed Cowan did a good job getting his message across. I respect him for his thoughts and opinions. What I did not expect, was that my younger brother who was surfing the internet at the time I was playing the film, would decide to walk away from the computer and watch with me. SHOCKER!!!! Wow. I couldn't tell him no. I explained to him that it was directed by a former member who has decided to leave the church, and although Shane did understand that, he was often asking me to pause it and tell me that he agrees with him and that the Church can't possibly be true because of the stance it took with prop 8. Ouch.

I have a testimony of the gospel, a strong one. I know the gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ has been restored in it's fullness to this earth in these the latter days, in this, the last dispensation of time. I shared some personal thoughts with my brother. I was just grateful he sat and watched with me. Then a thought came to me. I recall the prophet once saying something along the lines of, "any publicity, whether good or bad is good publicity." Why? Because it get's people talking.

What I can't understand, is why proposition 8 happened. I've voted twice on gay marriage. I know what the gospel doctrine is, but I can't agree with what the church has done. It weighs my heart and plagues my mind somewhat. It makes me angry and bitter. I just want to know why.

So last night, I asked Shane to sit with me and listen to Richie and Lauren's part 2 podcast with Mitch. He agreed. I could not believe it!!! SHOCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha. It was nice to hear Mitch's views and thoughts and I want to say that I admire him. I carry with me, my burdens and my conflicts and my internal wars, so I can very much relate with him.

When I was living in Mansfield I was called to serve as the YSA Representative for the ward. I loved the calling and enjoyed interacting with the young singles in my ward. I was approached by a young single male and he confided in me that he was gay. It weighed on my mind, and on my heart but I kept knowledge with confidence and spoke to no one regarding my confusion, frustration and upset. I loved this person, I cared about him. I wanted him to be happy. Time passed and it was brought up by my bishop. I expressed my concern and he shared with me that it would be fine, that this individual was going to continue his activity in the church and that he wasn't going to place any action into this condition of his, for a lack of better terminology.

Shane of course had a lot of questions and concerns that I could not address. It really frustrates him that I defend the church no matter what. He respects that, but it really does puzzle him. I love my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am a sinner. I will continue to fall short every single time, no matter what if I didn't have His love, compassion, mercy, empathy and forgiveness. One thing is for certain, I do not have all the answers, and I don't think that even the prophet does. I can't imagine how the church leaders feel in regard to proposition 8 today. Is there any remorse, any regret? Did we do wrong, or was that really of the Lord?

I found this website very helpful HERE. It's my understanding that the church claims it's same stance as it did in those days leading up to election day. What is so interesting also is the church in the media currently, as Mitt Romney campaigns for the presidency of the United States in the upcoming 2012 election.

On August 4, 2010 this statement was released by the Church in response to the ruling by Judge Vaughn R. Walker of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of California in Perry et al v. Schwarzenegger et al.

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regrets today’s decision. California voters have twice been given the opportunity to vote on the definition of marriage in their state and both times have determined that marriage should be recognized as only between a man and a woman. We agree. Marriage between a man and woman is the bedrock of society.
“We recognize that this decision represents only the opening of a vigorous debate in the courts over the rights of the people to define and protect this most fundamental institution—marriage.

“There is no doubt that today’s ruling will add to the marriage debate in this country and we urge people on all sides of this issue to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility toward those with a different opinion.”

Keith Olbermann's thoughts on Prop 8, which I agree with "This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives. And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible."

Today I received the dreaded Review Commission decision. They affirmed the Hearing Officer's decision. I know it's wrong, and there is nothing I can do about it. I fought the good fight, and I failed. It seems that is a common trend in my life. I may fail, but I can't allow that to define me, and to defeat me. I must rise and press forward because that is what my Savior taught me to do. I'm in a world of pain, hurt, anger and incredibly sadness. What did I do to deserve this? Then I stop and realize, I have it pretty bad right now and yeah things are really tough, but they could be oh, so much worse!! I just do not understand why we have laws in this country, if the government doesn't have to abide by them! Someone want to help me out with that one?

I also landed my third interview with DaVita Dialysis!! I'm so excited and happy. So please, keep me in your prayers and thoughts tomorrow! I'm hoping that they offer me the position yet, I'm not familiar with their hiring process, so I must be patient. When are things going to turn around for me? Will it be 2012, the year of the end of times as some believe? Ahhhh, no one knows how desperately I need change and improvement.

And onto the next ....

2011-11-23T20:56:00.057-05:00

I've been working at Gildenmeister-Hixon Insurance Services for almost two months. I started October 1. The agreement was that the first 90 days would be a trial period. I was grateful for that because after working with Dan for two and 1/2 weeks I knew I wouldn't last longer than those 90 days. Last week I saw that he had written in the appointment book and scheduled reviews for both Joni and I. Joni had just had her review two weeks ago and she did not get a raise. I was not looking forward to my review because I had many things to share with him that he was not going to like, but I had no intentions of leaving Gildenmeister until I had another job offer.

I've been looking continuously for something else since I started. I can't survive on $160 a week. I just can't. No one can, can they? Well, today when I went into work Dan was in the office and he had opened it and started everything up and that was a bit strange but I didn't think much of it. I sat at the computer and started on my days work. Joni came in and Dan asked her to sit her things down and meet with him upstairs, we both knew it wasn't good from his tone. They weren't up there long, and Joni came back down, put her coat back on and asked for her eye glass case. I knew she was let go/fired/whatever you'd like to call it. After she left, Dan came into the office, closing the door behind him and sits down across from me. He said something about the first 90 days and I nodded my head and he gave me my paycheck and said he had a bad feeling and that he wished me luck.

I was surprised, yet very relieved at the same time. I didn't want to work there without Joni anyway. I'm only partially kidding. Dan was very paranoid. I could not stand that. I knew that I was not his first choice of hire, yet he offered the position to me, and so I took it. I had nothing else going on at the time, but it was very awkward from the beginning. Thank goodness Joni was there and helped level the playing field.

He wasn't deserving of our efforts, skills and abilities anyway. Here are a few of the things that I will not miss...

1. Dan's Paranoia
2. Hot buttons - which he didn't have to abide by (incl. opening the office on time)
3. Coffee and drinks - without fail he would comment on cups on the desk, he was the exclusion
4. The way he judged people and treated his own clients
5. His stories, they weren't that funny or interesting
6. The boredom, business is not busy enough for it
7. Control, he needed to always have control over everything
8. His talking down to me, I definitely will not miss that!

I wish him and his wife Jane, the best of luck as well. I'm a bit sad that Dan really never did give me a chance to succeed, but I understand that it's no fault of my own. I am so thankful to have met Joni and made a good friend. I've heard customer after customer of his tell me how every month they come in there to make their payments and that there is a new clerical person. I understand why that is the case. And, I hope Joni finds something far better soon, as she is a great agent.

Diabetes Mellitus and a Lifetime of Complications: WHAT A RIDE! Witten by Curtis J. Blakely

2011-11-22T14:57:00.004-05:00

Today I had an interview with DaVita Dialysis! Check out their website HERE! I met with Pam, who was a very nice lady and I really, really want this job. As I was preparing for the interview, I found this and thought to post. My dad wrote it for Dr. Kline's students. Maybe you will find it interesting.

Greed: “nothing is enough for the person for whom enough is too little”

2011-11-16T15:01:00.003-05:00

I'd better pinch myself, could this be real? On Monday, Ben from the attorney's office contacted me regarding my unemployment compensation appeal. We spoke for a breif time about the case. We have no time expectations which is highly frustrating and aggravating, but his voice sounded a lot like Clint Zirker so it was somewhat relaxing and comfortable for me to chat with him. He reinterated that it is an uphill battle, but that I should remain optimistic. They still have not received my file from UC & are still waiting on the conference call transcript file as well. It's been over a month! So I asked Ben if he would forward a copy of the appeal and request for review. He promptly did so and I'm sharing with you. In just a short period of time (a week), Ben & Brian were able to put into words what I have been struggling with all summer. They did so well and it brings tears to my eyes each time I read it. Even if my unemployment compensation appeal is denied, having this letter makes a world of difference for me because it attests that I'm not crazy. (In this regard, anyway :o)

I have the best friends and family and they really have stood by me and held me up when I was mentally, physically and emotionally lacking the ability to do so on my own. However, my family has remained somewhat indifferent in the matter, does it hurt me? I am not going to lie and say it doesn't. It does. However, it is what it is and I can't hold anything against them. There just is no controling what has already happened. I just wish (like you would not believe) that things were different! Have a look and please, let me know what you think!

October 27, 2011

SENT VIA FAX (614-387-3694)
U.C. Review Commission
PO Box 182299
Columbus, OH 43218-2299
re: Tara L. Blakely

UCO No. 0006804001-0000
Docket No. H-2011024850
OJI Determination #: 223317505

To Whom it May Concern:

This correspondence shall serve as Tara L. Blakely’s request for a review before the U.C. Review Commission of the above referenced decision. This correspondence shall also serve as a request for Tara L. Blakely’s record and files.

Ms. Blakely was hired by the Western and Southern Life Insurance Co., Inc. for a new type of position. That is, Western & Southern sold life insurance and compensated its salespeople with a commission. In about January 2011, Ms. Blakely was approached by Western & Southern regarding its idea of splitting the salesperson job into two distinct positions.

Traditionally, the salespeople conducted marketing activities and then met with potential clients to complete the sales and necessary paperwork. Western & Southern was interested in hiring Ms. Blakely to work with a salesperson, Ms. Colleen Tackett, with Ms. Blakely conducting the marketing activities portion of the salesperson job, while Ms. Tackett would continue to meet with the potential clients and complete the necessary paperwork. The two employees were to then split the commission from any sales. Commissions were determined by policy and were called (premium production credits) PPC commissions. At no time was Ms. Blakely ever training to complete the tasks involved in Ms. Tackett’s duties, and thus she was never expected nor permitted to complete a sale without Ms. Tackett’s involvement.

After Ms. Blakely started her employment, she aggressively completed her marketing duties and scheduled well over 100 appointments for potential clients to meet with Ms. Tackett. However, not a single sale occurred for three months, other than a couple sales to close acquaintances of Ms. Blakey. On about June 28, 2011, Ms. Blakely met with Brent Affolter. Ms. Blakely’s concerns were briefly discussed and it was suggested that she work with another employee, Kent Carmen, rather than Ms. Tackett. However, Western and Southern informed Ms. Blakely that she was required to sell at least $3,000 PPCs (commissions) before July 31, or she would be terminated. This was an unattainable goal, as Ms. Blakely and Ms. Tackett had not sold $3,000 PPC combined during the prior three months combined.

Western and Southern has voiced no complaints regarding the work performance of Ms. Blakely, and in fact the Company intended to keep her employed temporarily. Thus, she was doing all that she was expected to do. Even so, she was continuing to work without receiving any commissions, except for some supplemental that was provided initially.
A decision was made to deny Ms. Blakely’s unemployment benefits because she “failed to articulate any circumstances that an average person would find to be evidence of intolerable conditions.” It is additionally indicated that Ms. Blakely made a personal choice to sever her employment relationship. This decision is in error.

Ms. Blakely clearly had just cause to resign from her position, as this is a classic example of constructive discharge. Ms. Blakely was working, essentially for free while investing her own personal funds to complete the marketing. More importantly, on about June 28, 2011, she was notified that she would be terminated at the end of July 2011 if she did not produce over $3,000 in PPC commission. Ms. Blakely had not come close to producing $3,000 in PPC commission during the prior three months combined. This was an unattainable goal, over which Ms. Blakely had little control as she was reliant upon a salesperson to complete the sales. What Western & Southern told Ms. Blakely during the meeting on about June 28, 2011 was that she was performing her duties well, they wanted to keep her on a bit longer with little to no commission, and they would be terminating her in the end of July 2011 because they were establishing an impossible goal. It was simply absurd to suggest that $3,000 in PPC commission could be sold in one month, when the prior three months combined had not produced anything close. The fact of the matter is that during that June meeting, Western & Southern notified Ms. Blakely that she was terminated effective the end of July 2011, though they planned to take advantage of her unrewarded work performance as much as possible until then.

Faced with a decision whether to continue to work for Western & Southern at almost no compensation for another 30 days, knowing she would be terminated at the end of that 30 days, or doing what an ordinarily careful person under similar circumstances would do, Ms. Blakely chose the latter. Ms. Blakely acted appropriately. She had previously notified the Company of the concern with working conditions, but they responded by setting up an unattainable goal and notice of an impending termination.

Because Western & Southern had informed Ms. Blakely that she was about to be terminated, only after more weeks of working for no compensation, she had just cause to resign her position. She is entitled to unemployment compensation benefits.

Very Truly Yours,

Brian J. Smith
Phone: (216) 651-2000
Fax: (216) 651-0800
Email: bsmith@sshllc.com

The members and attorneys of Sivinski, Smith & Herberth, LLC provide legal counsel and trial lawyer experience in a variety of areas, while focusing their practice on representing labor unions, multiemployer pension and welfare plans (ERISA plans), and people who may have experienced personal injuries, work related injury, asbestos-related diseases including mesothelioma, wrongful death, criminal charges, family law issues, and appeals to unemployment compensation claims.

Not that this blog is the best form of advertising but, I'm so very grateful that Brian took my case and that he is willing to fight with and for me! It certainly is no easy task and I'm so thankful that I don't have to carry this burden alone anymore. Another person I want to thank is Mary, my dear, sweet **true** friend, Mary! I love you!! Also to my Aunt Sue...words can't express the emotion, so again, I say I love and thank you!

I want a career as a mental health counselor so I can effect positive social change.

2011-11-15T20:54:00.001-05:00

Now, I've always been a crazy girl but as time passes and I grow older I seek and strongly yearn for some normalcy. Obviously 2011 has been the year from hell for me, but this past weekend as I was considering what to do with my future...it occurred to me that I am not yet finished; with school, that is!! YIKES!! I really, really, really (have I stressed the really, really part?!?) do not want to put myself through the stresses, the pressures and the craziness that comes along with a Masters program as I've been there and done that and it appears to have been for naught considering my current circumstances, but I've come across one that I just can't turn down. Check it out!!

I spoke to the Walden University yesterday. I sent over a copy of my UOP transcripts and today, I received a call saying that 3 of the courses will transfer and that because I maintained a 3.5 GPA or greater, that my first quarter tuition would be waived! So tomorrow, I will applying for the MS in Mental Health Trauma & Crisis Counseling program and if accepted, I will begin coursework on December 5th!!!

I selected this program for a few reasons. The State of Ohio requirements for licensure will be met, it's a CACREP-accredited MS degree in my field of interest. I'll be required to complete an internship, 2 residencies and a practicum. I realize it sounds intense and a lot of work, which will take me nearly 3 years to complete, but I'm ready to do it because I have the goal in mind, know what needs to happen, I know where I want to go and hopefully with all of the experience I'll gain, I'll also meet people along the way and be introduced to a world of opportunity. My fingers are crossed and I'm very excited to apply for this program.

Today has been a bit busy for me. I had two interviews, one via telephone with DaVita which was awesome! I hope I get it, and the other with Westaff. My experience at Westaff was awful! I had to call their HR department and file a complaint. It was my first experience with a temp agency and I doubt I'll ever do it again, unfortunately.

I'm back to mystery shopping also, or at least I'm scheduled to complete four shopping assignments by this weekend! That's what I'm off to do now, the research and requirements for the shops! It's paying well, which is why I agreed to do it. Things are slowly, slowly, slowly starting to look up!!!! Whew!

Sometimes I pretend to be normal...but it gets boring, so I go back to being me!

2011-11-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

The past couple of weeks I have been spent in thought, pondering. I spoke to Amanda on the telephone last week for an hour and a half. It was long overdue. I miss her so much, it literally hurts. I've realized that I feel that way about many people in my life; my old roomies Autumn & Ashley; my cousin Jennifer; Wendy, Catherine and the list continues. Thank goodness that we live in a time of evolving and developing technology because my cell phone, the web and skype are excellent methods for keeping in touch with them. Amanda and her husband, Jacob are experiencing some hardships. It weighs on my heart, but then it occured to me that they need to experience these struggles so that they and their relationship will grow deeper and stronger. I love Amanda. Jacob is a very, very lucky man to have her. I miss her influence in my life, so, I've decided to make a greater effort to contact her at least once a week. I need to do better and I will! Hopefully though, they will be moving back to Ohio soon so I can see their beautiful faces much more often!

Last week I came across a blogging Christian group, who have a bible study via Skype. I'm going to contact the ladies today and perhaps check it out tonight! How awesome is that?!? I'm excited and looking forward to it. So, stay tuned to hear how that works out!!

I signed up for Nanowrimo this month, to write a novel in 30 days...well, it's Day 14, almost half-way there and I haven't even started!!!! I should probably just give up right now, but that's just not my style! I have no idea the quality of this novel, or what I'm going to write about, but I think I may start on it tonight or tomorrow! Last Thursday, Brian and I went to see In Time with Justin Timberlake and Amanda Seyfried. Although I think Brian may have been bored with it, I loved it! I really liked the concept and it really made me look at life from a different perspective, and just how valuable time is! I highly recommend the movie to all!

I've endured a lot of hardship this year but as it is coming to an end, I want to find value and strength in it. It certainly is not easy, but I'm back in the market seeking better employment opportunity. Tomorrow I will be visiting a temp agency in Norwalk to see what is available. I've never before done anything like this before, so I'm a little nervous just because I have no clue what to expect. I feel confident that when I land a secure, stable and steady job/income that everything else in my crazy life will fall into place!

Feels so good to be back!!

2011-10-29T18:00:00.098-04:00

The missionaries asked me to meet with an investigator of the church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) this past week. I was very excited at the opportunity and so on Thursday evening, we met with Ed. It was the first appointment the sisters had with him, but I think it was a very good meeting and I am humbled by this man. He has a powerful story with a valiant spirit. Today, I drove the sisters and Ed to the ward building so they could show him around. He is Catholic, searching for truth. If you would, please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

As we sat in the chapel, discussing the gospel of our Savior, I was impressed by the Spirit. It was as if a cloud of confusion had been lifted and removed from my mind and replaced with an understanding and thirst for scripture knowledge. I have been going through this repentance process for a few months now and I must say I'm learning as I go. I haven't felt the Spirit, in a personal manner in so long, that I barely recognized it. Isn't that scary? Upon my return home, I wanted to read and search my old scriptures as I'd marked them up in the past and the most relevant scriptures which spoke to me on a personal level, are much easier to find.

It wasn't my old set of scriptures, but my new set (the ones I had purchased in Korea) that I came across the following scripture. It is by faith, repentance, meekness and lowliness of heart, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and enduring to the end that leads to salvation. In Moroni chapter 8, Mormon is speaking to his beloved son, Moroni. He is responding to a concern that Moroni had regarding baptism. Although the scripture was regarding infant baptism, I feel it speak to my soul regarding my inactivity. Verse 8 reads, "Listen to the words of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me." I am so humbled to have knowledge of the atonement, the ability to repent and access to the scriptures. How very blessed I am! In verse 25-26, "And the first fruits of repentance is baptism; and baptism cometh by faith unto the fulfilling the commandments bringeth remission of sins; And he remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God."

Brothers & sisters I am here to testify to you that each of us is worthy to partake of the Saviors atonement. It is by His sacrifice that we may return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. I challenge you to know Christ on a personal level, read the scriptures and pray for truth, forgiveness and personal revelation.

Tonight I am starting a personal journal called, Book of Gratitude. Each night I will list the things that I am grateful for.

Self-Destructiveness: When the Personality Attacks itself.

2011-10-27T15:40:00.000-04:00

I've been doing some serious soul-searching lately. Being back at church is very helpful and being closer to the Spirit is just what I need for direction in my life. I've been reading the scriptures and praying. I've been talking with close family and friends and I've realized that even in my lowest of lows, I am truly blessed. I've learned that I'm my own worst enemy. And that is probably true for each of us. I've learned that I'm not the same girl I used to be and that I've become somewhat, self-destructive. Only I can change that, and so I've been doing some research and reading as much literature I can regarding the personality and self-destruction.

The ultimate act of self-destruction is suicide. I've known individuals who have attempted to commit suicide and failed, I know of some who have succeeded and some who have thought about it. Thank the good Lord that I've never known anyone personally who has made the attempt, simply because I'm not certain how I would handle it. I strongly make every attempt possible not to pass judgement on others, however, when I hear about people who commit suicide I can't help but feel like they gave up. But, did they? Who am I to say?

Which brings me to my next thought. For every person who successfully destroys himself or herself, there must be 30 or 50 who do it unsuccessfully, meaning they allow themselves to become victims of a slow process of self-defeat and self-torture and they hasten their deaths by years!! It is those people whom I want to reach out to. I must admit, 2011 has been a very challenging and trying year for me and for a few months I fell into this trap, into this state of depression if you will. I feel that it is important to list some of the signs and symptoms frequently associated with self-destructive behavior, perhaps you can relate.

1. Substance Abuse
2. Refusal to comply with a physician's instructions
3. Food abuse
4. Seeking unnecessary surgery
5. Accident proneness
6. Self-absorption
7. A need for self-abasement
8. Asceticism (yes, I understand this is a big word so I will ellaborate, ascetic is a noun for an individual who may be considered an extremist within ones religious beliefs, affiliations, lifestyle and so forth)
9. Masochism
10. Denial of reality **which I feel we are all guilty of

Understandably the above items merit comment, but I'm only going to focus on a few. It's quite common among those who display indirect self-destructive behavior (which I am VERY GUILTY of doing) to refuse to comply with a physician's instructions. I didn't realize I was doing this, but I am. In May I was told by a physician that I had Diabetes and that I needed to take 1000 mg of MetFormin and 20 units of insulin a day. Since Brian and I broke up in June, I have not been taking care of myself. I need to do better.

Those of us with self-destructive tendencies rely heavily on the ego defense mechanism known as denial of reality. There is no physical evidence that one suffers from this because damage to the body is not actively being sought. Rather, the conscious perception is that one is a victim of external causes outside of one's control. Now, I know that might be pretty deep but I hope you can follow. I've been doing this to myself for a very, very long time.

I think that awareness and effort are key in coping and overcoming personality disorders. If you can relate and are not able to cope adequately with your own self-destructive tendencies, please know that there are several ways you can change that and that there are professions of psychiatry and clinical psychology available that can assist you. With a cognitive approach, therapy can help you identify ideas that reside behind self-destructive behavior. I encourage you to contact me if you want to talk. I didn't come to this realization on my own, it took a lot of people and a lot of patience on my part to step outside of the box and really try to understand myself, my emotions and my actions. You can do it!!

A blog button! Who'd have known it could bring such delight?

2011-10-27T02:33:00.001-04:00

I'm not bragging or boasting, but I'm pretty impressed with myself. I managed to figure out how to make a blog button!! Now, other bloggers can utilize this button on their page and link our blogs together! Yay! Yesterday I asked mom to take some photos of me, for the button. Let's just say that we were both laughing so hard, as she was holding the computer and I was trying to align myself, the board and all on the screen and she kept moving and then we would get it perfect only to be distracted by a boy passing by on a bike or a dog barking or whatever was happening in the neighborhood. Quickly however, she got annoyed and just started hitting the button over and over again, so when I saw this shot, I liked it and thought to share! Anyway, I feel like I've gotten a lot accomplished the past couple of days. I'm excited! I'm going to work on page icons next, but that will come with time as it is much more time intensive. I'm pretty satisfied with the new design and the new look to this blog. I want to start blogging about specific topics, I don't have it all figured out quite yet, but I'm looking for a topic train or something along those lines, maybe Elvis Duran & the Morning Show could help me out with that! Stay tuned!!

It's because we're so different....

2011-10-25T14:48:00.000-04:00

I am happy to report that I've been making a lot of progress this week and it's only Tuesday! With the exception of getting a head cold which hasn't seemed to hinder my efforts luckily, things are going rather well. Today I went up to the Superintendent's Office and dropped off my background check and then to SPHS to drop off my application and resume for Mike.

On my way home from work yesterday Shane called my cell phone and asked me to meet him and mom for dinner. We ate Chinese food, and after our meal we each took our turn to read our fortunes. Mine read, your wish will come true. Shane, bless his heart, said something to effect of because the person that loves you the most will make sure they do. He was referring to himself, and my heart was melted and my soul humbled, just for a moment. We fight a lot, sure, because we are so passionate about our opposing views. It is what it is, but he has been doing a lot to help me recently.

He fixed my computer last week, it hasn't overheated a single time since. He's updated the operating system and he's been getting me software programs I want/need, including music files. He's a total sweetheart when he wants to be, but oh boy oh boy watch out when he doesn't! And on that note, I leave you with this final though, Sibling relationships - and 80% of Americans have at least one - outlast marriages, survive the death of parents, resurface after quarrels that would sink any friendship. They flourish in a thousand incarnations of closeness and distance, warmth, loyalty and distrust. ~ Erica E. Goode, "The Secret World of Siblings," U.S. News & World Report, 10 January 1994

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega

Like Wendy's, you know when it's real...

2011-10-22T15:12:00.000-04:00

And, when it isn't! I'm talking about love, rather the illusion of love, or what love could be. Ha, who am I fooling I know nothing about it. I used to think I did, but as time passes I realize I am clueless.

I felt a strong connection to someone recently, someone I could easily talk to, who I connected with and someone who I thought, I might just have had a potential future with. I give him credit, he put forth a lot of effort. I really do like him but unfortunately the timing is completely off. I knew it before, but I didn't stop him from trying. Perhaps that was wrong of me. Oh, how bittersweet it is to live and learn from your mistakes.

Who knows what the future holds? Certainly, not I. I'm not closing any doors, but I'm letting go of trying to find someone to build a relationship with, for now anyway. It's said if it comes back around, then you know for a surety that it's meant to be.

Funny thing is, I'm not sure anything is ever really "meant" to be. And it is so cliche when I hear people say that everything happens for a reason. Personally, I don't believe that at all. We make choices, our choices affect others and it is what it is. I let go before, and it came back around only to leave me again. I've learned something though, to follow my instincts, my gut and the promptings of the Spirit. Regardless if I understand them or not, just to go with them. It is going to take some practice, but it can only get better.

In the meantime, I'm going to be much more carefree and not so uptight. I'm going to smile more and laugh! I'm not going to second guess myself or over analyze ever little thing that I do or that happens to me. I'm going to move on. If I don't, I might end up alone for the rest of my life! I may be alone for the rest of my life anyway, but at least I will be happy and content with it.

My Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knows my desires and my passions. If it be His will, I need not to worry.

It could always be worse!

2011-10-16T15:51:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I watched Fast Five. It was very intense and I really enjoyed the movie, probably my favorite of the series (yes, even the first!!!) Anyway, if you have seen the movie you will most likely recall the following scene vividly, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson & Mark Sinclair "AKA Vin Deisel" Vincent brawling. I never understood what it was with men and their fascination with two women kissing or giving each other attention. Now I understand, completely!

So much on my mind today, where to begin? First, it is the sabbath day. I attended church this morning and it was wonderful. I was able to feel the spirit so strongly and it's been quite a while since I have. I miss it. So, with that being said, I am changing. I am progressing again. It feels good. I'm going to be more quiet and observant, speak less and go back to my roots.

Last night, on their way home from Logan's birthday party, Chuck, Sue, Mom, Charlene and Bernie were in a very bad car accident. A car broad-sided them in Uncle Chuck's white car. Luckily, no one was severely injured, but that is the result blessing. Friday night, I cried myself to sleep. My heart is heavy and it aches. I said goodbye to Sue on Friday night, as she is going back to Florida. We've spent so much time together this summer, she has been a rock for me, and I for her. It's tough. My mother, who refused treatment at the scene, seems to be doing fine but for anyone who knows her, knows how she hates not to be in control. She always hates being in vehicles, and so she was pretty shaken up about the entire ordeal. I'm just so thankful that no one was seriously hurt.

Jack of all trades, master of none!

2011-10-14T10:01:00.091-04:00

My substitute teaching license with the State of Ohio was issued today! Check it out below, just enter my first and last name and voila!

Ohio DOE Educator Search

If nothing else, I'm building up quite a resume for the jack of all trades, master of none! I am enjoying working with and learning from Dan and Joni. I'm learning a lot about property and casualty insurance coverages and I find it much more interesting than life, accident and health! However, Dan has approached me a couple of times about producing life and I am critical of the idea. It's going to take some time, but I'm open to all of the possibilities.

This afternoon, Joni and I were talking in the office. I really like her, she has a great sense of humor and I'm discovering that I do too. Or perhaps rather, I'm developing one! Yeah, I know haha! But those of you who know me well, know that I am pretty uptight and serious most often. Maybe I need a change. Anyway, our conversation was one I enjoyed much.

It got me to thinking about people who endure hardships, trials, tribulations and people who succumb to the same struggles and challenges. The past three years have been long and bittersweet for me. I've at times allowed myself to give in and have surrendered to my emotions and life happenings which are beyond my control and I can't do that any longer. I must be stronger. I must be wiser. I must strive to do better. I have had some great examples before me, my Grandma Blakely and my father. They were both strong-willed and headstrong. My father was the best example, behind Jesus Christ, of endurance and humility. I'm going to do better.

Naps are pretty AMAZING.

2011-10-11T12:14:00.001-04:00

Brian and I had a very relaxing weekend, and I owe him a world of thanks. He helped me to escape my crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life for a couple days. Now, after the week I had last week, he was a refuge and safe-haven for me and I am grateful. He took me to a very nice restaurant on Friday night, the food was very good. Saturday we visited the Christmas Story house in Cleveland. I'd never before been and found it was actually really interesting and even a bit entertaining. It was one of the things Brian wanted to do and so I'm glad that we did it. After that we drove around downtown for a bit, nothing too exciting happening in Cleveland, but we ate dinner at Harry Buffalo's and it is true, they are the best chicken tenders I've ever had and the sauce was very good too! We spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying naps and television, it was pure bliss. Brian then introduced me to Jimmy John's for dinner, which is way better than Subway! Sunday we enjoyed breakfast together, then came to Norwalk for a movie and cards with mom. We watched Fast Five which was a really great movie! I recommend seeing it even if you haven't been a big fan of some of the other Fast & Furious sequels, this one was perhaps the best of all in my opinion. We then played a few hands of Monopoly Deal, and I am pretty certain Brian won two out of the three we played, maybe he cheats?!? LOML <3

The "A CHRISTMAS STORY" House in Cleveland, OH

The leg lamp!!!

Christmas tree, with the blue bowling ball and the Red Rider BB gun!!

Kinda funny!!

My favorite!

I get a little bit stronger...

2011-10-07T01:45:00.001-04:00

I'm very tired. I slept in today, but could have slept much longer. I made myself crawl out of bed at noon and take a shower. I met Melissa for coffee at LynMarie's in Monroeville. Then I went to Sue's and played cards with her. I ate dinner with her and Chuck. Then I went by Matt and Gail's to drop off the pizza's I picked up for them at Sam's yesterday.

I think Leeann has missed me because when I was saying goodbye to her she says, but you live down there; and, when I asked her if she wanted to give me a high-five or a hug & kiss, she opted for the hug & kiss. Melt my heart!

Tomorrow I'm having dinner with Brian in Cleveland. No big plans for the weekend, just relaxing. This week proved to be very trying and I'm so glad it is over. It was good to see Jim and Mandi and Ann and their families, but the circumstance was very bittersweet. Ronnie's funeral service was very nice. I cried a few times, but smiled more than I have all summer!! Thank you for that.

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. - Lao-Tzu

2011-10-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

Today was my first day as the office manager at Gildenmeister Insurance Services, LLC! The first 90 days of employment are probationary, so I am not going to say much other than today went well. This week is very busy for me. Tomorrow, after work I am off to the service hours for Ronnie Hintz, Aunt Sue's brother. How sad I was to get that call from her that he'd passed. One reflection I'd like to share, I never saw him without a smile on his face. The last time I saw Ron, was at Vanson's in Monroeville in late May, early June. He took one of my business cards and wished me luck. He was a good man.

Ronald J. Hintz

04:26 PM Oct 02 2011

Norwalk Oct. 6, 1954 — Sept. 30, 2011
NORWALK — Ronald J. Hintz, age 56, of Norwalk, died Friday, September 30, 2011 at his residence.
He was born October 6, 1954 in Norwalk to the late Irven F. Hintz Sr. and Helen "Peg" (Kennedy) Hintz. He was a 1972 graduate of Norwalk High School, attended EHOVE, and was a self employed carpenter for many years. He was a member of St. Peter Lutheran Church where he served on the church council and property committee, enjoyed watching sports and the Norwalk Truckers. He was very loyal and generous to his family and friends, and was extremely proud of his children and grandchildren.
He is survived by his children, Jim (Heather) Hintz of Mansfield, CT, Amanda (Joseph) Davoli of Sandusky, and Andrea (Phillip) Rosenberger of Sandusky; grandsons, Ethan Hintz, Vincent Rosenberger and one Davoli on the way; sisters, Sue (Charles) Loolen of Milan, Bonnie (Gordon) Hahn of Collins, and Peggy Hintz of Norwalk; brothers, Irv Hintz Jr. of Norwalk, Gary Hintz of Norwalk and Joe (Elaine) Hintz of Norwalk; and numerous nieces and nephews.
Friends and family will gather Tuesday from 4:00 - 7:00 P.M. at the Evans Funeral Home, 314 E. Main Street, Norwalk, OH. Also from 10:00 A.M. until time of memorial service at 11:00 A.M. Wednesday, October 5, 2011 at St. Peter Lutheran Church, 243 Benedict Avenue, Norwalk. The Rev. Fred Wiechers, pastor of the church, will officiate. Interment will follow at Woodlawn Cemetery.

Believe

2011-09-30T14:49:00.000-04:00

I Believe...

that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe… that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe… that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe… that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe… that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I believe… that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I believe… that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe… that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I believe… that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe… that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I believe… that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe… that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe… that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I believe… that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe… that we don’t have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I believe… that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe… that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe… that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe… that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe… that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe… that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

2011-09-28T16:36:00.000-04:00

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, as I'm exhausted. This week has brought me many pleasant surprises for the week to come. Yesterday I went in for what I thought was going to be a third job interview with Gildenmeister Insurance Services, LLC and was offered the position as CSR/Office Manager! It's part time and I'm excited with the opportunity.

I also received notice that my unemployment teleconference hearing is going to be on Wednesday morning. I will be oh so happy when this is all over. I'm also curious to see what is going to happen, if truth or if lies prevail. I will continue to fight for myself, even if I do have to hire an attorney and take this case into a court room.

Next weekend, Brian is coming to Cleveland! The mere thought flatters me and I am very happy to spend time with him.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” ― Bob Marley

Doesn't make it true!

2011-09-26T01:39:00.016-04:00

I am just where I am supposed to be. A few months ago in June, when I lost my boyfriend, my home, my job, my dog and my world came crashing down around me I was somewhat suicidal. I have never felt so helpless and so low (or, alone) in my life. However, going through that experience has truly blessed my outlook on life. I will never be the same person and I will always see things from a new perspective. That is my blessing.

People can take advantage, they can lie, they can steal. They can beat you down, talk nasty about your character but the thing is, it doesn't make it true. Our Heavenly Father knows truth and Jesus Christ came to this earth to atone for our sins, and thus He has experienced all of the same emotions I have. He is my comfort. He knows my pains & my sorrows. He allows me to forgive, and to progress, grow and endure all things.

I got a letter this past weekend from the unemployment compensation office. My telephone hearing is scheduled for next Wednesday. Of course I am so nervous, but even more, I am so thankful for the opportunity to fight for myself! I am pretty confident that the determination will be overturned, but I'm also trying not to be too optimistic, considering I refuse to pay an attorney to fight for money I rightful deserve according to the law and the fact that it's unemployment and they can rule anyway they want to. However, if it isn't reconsidered, I will appeal again and take it to court!

In the meantime, I'm waiting on FBI background check to come back for my State of Ohio Board of Education Long Term Substitute teaching license, and completing the TB test and FBI/BCI check in the state of Illinois. I'm excited to sub! Also, I have a 3rd interview tomorrow with an insurance company in Sandusky. I'm trying to push forward.

Today I cleaned a box of books out of Brian's. I only have one box left and then all of my stuff will be out, with the exception of Bella. That's pretty tough. Brian loves her and he takes great care of her, better care than I give her and for that I want her to be with him. Doesn't mean that I love her any less. She is a great dog. I also went to moms and we did some rearranging. You know, I'm not happy about moving back with my mom and Shane for many reasons with the first being, the smoke, but, maybe this is something I have to do to close another chapter. I need to rediscover myself and make things right, mend and build bridges that have been burnt and destroyed in the past.

I am truly blessed with exceptional people in my life; my mother, Gail, Jennifer, Randy, Sue, Mary....just to name a few and in no particular order. Where would I be without each of you? Not here! I can't express my gratitude for their influence in my life. Thank you!

This life can turn a good girl, bad!

2011-09-24T04:36:00.005-04:00

I should be asleep but the truth is that I just can't seem to rest. My mind has been racing ever since I took that personality test. My mom and my brother say that I've been unhappy for so long and I know despite our dysfunction in the past that they love me and they care about me and they want me to be happy. Of course, I want to be happy too, but all I feel is numb. Why?

Could it be the skeletons in my closet? I've buried them so deep, is it even possible to revisit those memories? Of course, on the surface there are some things that I do remember but they are better off forgotten and hidden forever. I've never, ever talked about it before with another soul until the other night when I was talking with a very close friend. Why?

I don't understand. I was able to tell him what happened to me as a little girl. I was a victim. I understand that but I've lived my entire life ashamed and broken, so very broken. I never allowed what had happened to define me as a person. I always wanted to be the strong person who forgives, who forgets, who endures and overcomes. But my entire world was shattered and my family torn apart. I never dwelled on it, I just pressed forward. I was 6 years old.

I didn't want people to see me as an outcast, I always strived to fit in and for the most part I did. Many people who know me, who really, truly know me who are my closest friends don't even know about my past because I've never told them, I've never talked about it. Ever. So why now, is it bubbling to the surface? Why?

I endured the worst kind of sexual abuse at a very young age, for approximately 2 years. When it was over, I received the best counseling. I remember her name was Mary. I remember feeling comfortable and open with her. As I grew from a child to a teen and even to a young adult I have always credited Mary with rescuing my mental health. Hands down, I was blessed.

I think I might have a target on my back, a giant red and white bulls-eye that Satan can see from the gates of hell. I only think that because I can't seem to ever get it right, he just won't leave me alone. Now, I can not stress enough that I do not seek any pity. Please, do not misunderstand. I know that we all have our own trials and tribulations that we must face in this life, obstacles and challenges which we must overcome. Some of them big, some of them small but all are important in our progression. I do understand that. However, perhaps I'm cursed. I spoke to my cousin Jennifer this week and she asked me to read 2 Nephi Chapter 4 from the Book of Mormon, as she thought of me when she read it. In Verse 6, Lehi is speaking to his posterity from his deathbed, "Wherefore, if ye are cursed, behold, I leave my blessing upon you, that the cursing may be taken from you and be answered upon the heads of your parents."

Which brings me to this next thought. I spent some time with my brother and mom this afternoon. Shane said something that really, really bothered me. We were talking about what had happened to me in the past, things that I'd never before told anyone, with the exception of Brian earlier this week and my mom kept apologizing. I asked her why she was apologizing, it wasn't her fault and Shane said that she was my parent she was responsible for me and so in a sense, it was her fault.

That may be true, but what parent on this planet knows what their kids are doing every single second of every single day? I do not blame my mother and it breaks my heart into a million pieces to think that she blames herself. My mother is the most selfless person, generous, kind and the best mother any child could ever have. Shane may not agree with me, and although my mom and I are two totally different people (polar opposites in every way), she is everything I could ever hope to become. She has been the very best example to me. She gave up her marriage, her family, she gave up everything and put her children first. I've never gone without, ever. I've watched my mom struggle my entire life. She deserves so much more than this life could ever give her. She truly is an angel. She's saved my life, too.

Mom, I know you're going to read this. Please, please, please do not blame yourself or feel any guilt. I love you. I want to thank you for putting my needs before your own. You deserve better than me.

Back to the topic at hand, happiness. I wish I knew true happiness. I think because my family has been so broken, I've looked for that fulfillment in my extended family. I've been disappointed, let down and put down so much by them that I've given up even on that, although since I gave up it has significantly improved. My family knows that there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for them. It feels good to be a part of that. Slowly Shane, mom and I are mending bridges. That also feels really, really good!

In a short time, we will be living together in a small, confined space. It isn't going to be easy and in fact is going to be difficult challenge for us all, however, I'm looking forward to it. Maybe this is exactly what I need to discover happiness, to come to grips with my past, face those skeletons in my closet, with the support of my mom and brother.

I've spent most of my life trying to make everyone proud of me. With Shane, I have failed him greatly. We are so much alike, that we will never see things as each other does, if that makes any sense to anyone. It's okay, I understand it! Ha! I know I constantly let Shane down. He does the same to me. I think we have a lot more in common than we'd ever admit. No one can get under my skin like he can! NO ONE! So, Shane, feel special!

So I'm still taking it one day at a time here. I have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Jennifer Hope, thank you so much for sharing the scripture message with me! It was just what I needed!!

Psychology of the Personality

2011-09-22T22:19:00.000-04:00

I've discovered this new application/website called stumbleupon.com. Have you checked it out? If not, I would encourage you to do so. The other day I was stumbling on my cell phone and came across testdex.com. The website is basically a medium or portal to various psychology related tests. I decided today that I was going to check a few of them out, and I was very impressed with this first test, the Enneagram (a model of human personality which uses an enneagram figure). I've posted the results and the source below.

http://www.personalityonline.com/tests/

Enneagram - Your Results

Your Enneagram Type(s): Type 7
Sevens have a fear of being deprived, of being in pain. They tend to be lighthearted and sunny, often addicted to planning and play. Sevens are buoyed by a belief that life is unlimited -- there are always interesting things to do.

Possible origins. Faced with a frightening early life, Seven children diffused their fear by escaping into the limitless possibilities of imagination. They have pleasant memories of their childhood years. Even with an objectively bad scenario, there is little residue of hatred or blame. The skew of attention is toward positive memory. By moving toward pleasure and away from pain, they tend to remember the best.

Flawed Sevens can allow their appetites to get out of control. This is characterized by a bodily hunger for excitement and experience. Sevens have a gourmet taste for experience, little tastes of the very best, rather than an overdose of a single experience meal. Typically they cannot stand inactivity. They stay active, but that activity is not necessarily productive: it has a restless quality about it. They delight in making plans for the future but are not good at following through on them.

As managers, they may introduce fascinating but conflicting options. They don't like to give and enforce direct orders. They try to make everyone feel like an equal participant in order to eliminate the possibility of confrontation.

Well-Adapted Sevens get over their intense fear of being deprived. Instead of consuming life, they learn to contemplate it, to plumb the depths of experience rather than to merely skim its surface. They overcome their wariness of others sufficiently to form, selectively, close and long-term attachments. They stick with tasks and occupations long enough to do them justice. Their enthusiasm and pleasure they take in what they do is infectious. Sevens are sought after for their enthusiasm and vitality and for their desire to share the enjoyment they feel.

They bring an optimism to their work, and once they get engaged they can get a lot done and take contagious pleasure in their accomplishment. At their best, they are highly productive generalists, talented in a variety of areas. Precocious as children, they grow up to be especially intelligent and multi-talented. They may settle successfully into roles in which they can apply their abundant practical intelligence to executing short-run plans or exploring new territory.

Occupations. The entertainment field is filled with Sevens, both well-adapted and flawed. Sevens are often editors, writers, or storytellers. As managers, they are the jacks-of-all-trades, knowledgeable and skilled in a number of areas. Because they learned at a young age to fend for themselves, they are survivors who are good people to have around when an organization is having trouble keeping its head above water. They are planners and synthesizers and idea gatherers.

Finding Oneself:
Sevens will probably agree with most of the following statements:

I tend to make things interesting, to make things nice.
There are very few things in life which I can't enjoy.
I usually look on the bright side of things and don't look for the negative side of life.
"I must be defective if I need help."
People say I'm often the life of the party.
I often feel stuck and bored with commitment -- I like to keep my options open.
I tend to be very enthusiastic about the future.
I seem to be attached to youth and energy.
Most of the time I avoid getting into really "heavy" issues.
I find myself expressing anger by making fun of the problem.

Type: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
60% 60% 73% 70% 60% 65% 83% 70% 65%

I also took a few other quizzes that were of interest to me, including Colorquiz.com
Color Test - Results

Your Existing Situation

"Creative and emotional, looking for ways to further expand those qualities. Looking for a partner who enjoys the same activities. Seeking adventure and new and unusual activities."
Your Stress Sources

"Seeks freedom and the chance to do as she wishes; avoids restrictions or things that try to hold her back. Feels an intense amount of pressure being put on her and would like a chance to escape in order to do the things she wants and needs to do for himself. However, she lacks the determination and motivation to escape and pursue her own personal gains."
Your Restrained Characteristics

"Tries to participate and involve herself in things going on around him; however, avoids conflict and arguments to reduce stress and tension."

"Finds satisfaction in sexual activity, but is emotionally detached which prevents her from becoming too involved."

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

"He is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity, but can be restless and emotionally distant so she never really gets too involved with others."

Your Desired Objective

Very active imagination and may be prone to fantasies and daydreaming. Always dreaming of interesting and exciting things to happen to her. Is a charmer and wants to be admired for that.
Your Actual Problem

"Feeling tension and stress brought on by situations which are out of her control, leaves her feeling helpless, anxious, and in adequate. In order to build her self-esteem back up, she looks to others for recognition, respect, and encouragement. This can be a problem since she tends to blame others for her shortcomings. Searching for solutions that are geared toward her needs and self-consciousness."
Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling held back and restricted from moving forward, looking for a solution that will give her more freedom and less obstacles."

www.similarminds.com
Career Inventory Test Results

Extroversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 76%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||||||||| 63%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 73%
Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||| 80%
Inquisitiveness |||||||||||| 33%

You are a Supporter, possible professions include - nurse, social worker, caterer, flight attendant, bookkeeper, medical/dental assistant, exercise physiologist, elementary school teacher, minister/priest/rabbi, retail owner, officer manager, telemarketer, counselor, special education teacher, merchandise planner, credit counselor, athletic coach, insurance agent, sales representative, massage therapist, medical secretary, child care provider, bilingual education teacher, professional volunteer.

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly. -Robert Kennedy

2011-09-22T01:42:00.000-04:00

So there has been a lot going on lately. I'm back to church. I went with the missionaries yesterday to an appointment, but the man was not home. I'm still looking for employment, but last week I spent much time and money to obtain my substitute teaching licenses for Ohio and Illinois. I'm just playing the waiting game now. I was supposed to hear back from Gildenmeister Insurance Services today, in regards to the office management position I interviewed for last week. Dan told me that he would let me know either way by today, but I haven't heard from him, as of yet. I mailed a thank-you note to him today.

I stayed in bed for a long while this morning. I got up and did some laundry and some dishes. I was hungry, but too lazy to make any food. It was raining and the sky was dark. It matched my mood perfectly. I went to get lunch, came home and watched my soaps. Aunt Sue called and she sounded depressed, so I went over to play some cards with her. She made vegetable soup and it was a perfect meal on such a bummer day!

Tonight I submitted my application for a PHD program. I am anxious, excited and optimistic about the opportunity. I'll keep you all informed!!

The Challenge the Book of Mormon makes to the World.

2011-09-20T03:19:00.000-04:00

I love my family very much. I've had many missionary moments with them over the years. My patriarchal blessing mentions being a good example always to those in my family who may not understand why I've joined the church. Certainly, it is not always an easy task; to listen to their criticism or answer their difficult questions (often springing from anti-literature). However, I'm grateful for the knowledge I have been so blessed to receive, for my strong testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and for the opportunity to be a witness in these, the latter days. I am human, I make mistakes and I sometimes allow my temper to get the best of me. But, at the end of the day, I hope that my family know who I really am, what I stand for and not just what I believe, but what I know to be true and real.

I've been so blessed in this life. One of those many blessings is Randy Williams! Now, I hope that I'm not throwing him under the bus with this, but, I want to share my message for him with everyone! I've spent many years, many long nights and many conversations with Randy discussing religion, faith and church. I know that he sincerely desires to know truth and that he has eagerly and diligently sought truth as he has researched, read, pondered and studied hard. I respect him and his efforts. However, what Randy doesn't realize is that he is a very logical person. He is seeking with his mind, which is a great thing, but as long as he continues to do so, he will not find what he is looking for. He needs to seek with his heart and with his spirit. He must be willing to subject himself to faith. Now I understand many people struggle with faith, I have myself at times. I have an aunt who also struggles with faith, so I thought to share this exert from the Bible Dictionary on faith.

Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true (Heb. 11:1; Alma 32: 21), and must be centered in Jesus Christ in order to produce salvation. To have faith is to have confidence in something or someone. The Lord has revealed himself and his perfect character, possessing in their fulness all the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, power and every other needful thing, so as to enable the mind of man to place confidence in him without reservation. Faith is kindled by hearing the testimony of those who have faith (Rom 10:14-17). Miracles do not produce faith but strong faith is developed by obedience to the gospel of Jesus Christ; in other words, faith comes by righteousness, although miracles often confirm one's faith.

Faith is a principle of action and of power, and by it one can command the elements and/or heal the sick, or influence by any number of circumstances when occasion warrants (Jacob 4:4-7). Even more important, by faith one obtains a remission of sins and eventually can stand in the presence of God.

All true faith must be based upon correct knowledge or it cannot produce the desired results. Faith in Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than belief, since true faith always moves its possessor to some kind of physical and mental action; it carries an assurance of the fulfillment of the things hoped for. A lack of faith leads one to despair, which comes because of iniquity.

Although faith is a gift, it must be cultured and sought after until it grows from a tiny seed to a great tree. The effects of true faith in Jesus Christ include (1) an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord (see Heb. 11:4); (2) a reception of the blessings of the Lord that are available to man in this life; and (3) an assurance of personal salvation in the world to come. These things involve individual and personal testimony, guidance, revelation, and spiritual knowledge. Where there is true faith there are miracles, visions, dreams, healings, and all the gifts of God that he gives to his saints. Jesus pointed out some obstacles to faith in John 5:44 and 12:39-42.

The most complete and systematic exposition on faith is the Lectures on Faith, prepared for and delivered in the School of the Prophets in Kirtland, Ohio in 1832.

Recently, Randy and I have talked about a few things that bother him concerning the church. One is that we no longer practice polygamy. In response to Randy's dismay, the twelfth article of faith of the church states, "We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law." It is as simple as that.

Perhaps the thing that has been weighing on my mind most, is the issue Randy has with the prophet, Joseph Smith. Randy says that the prophet Joseph used a hat and rock glasses to write the Book of Mormon and that it's ludacris. Is it really?

If one scoffs at the missionary's explanation of the Book of Mormon, he is in so many words claiming it to be false: that it is a deceiving fraud formulated through the efforts and talents of a common man. What is produced by one man, can always be duplicated by another man. The challenge the Book of Mormon makes to the world is that of duplication. Because the book complies with every one of the following conditions, and in order for you to produce a similar record, you must comply with the same conditions. Here is the challenge -- can you accept it?

1. Write a history of ancient Tibet covering a period from 2200 B.C. to 400 A.D. Why ancient Tibet? Because you know no more about Tibet than Joseph Smith (or anyone else) knew about ancient America.
2. You're 23 years of age.
3. You have had no more than three years of formal school education, and have spent your life in backwoods farming communities.
4. Your history must be written on the basis of what you now know. There was no library that held information for Joseph Smith. You must use none. There is to be no research of any kind.
5. Your book must be 522 pages and over 300,000 words in length.
6. Other than a few grammatical corrections, you must have no changes in the text. The first edition as you dictate it to your secretary must stand forever.
7. This record is to contain the history of two distinct and separate nations, along with histories of different contemporary nations or groups of people.
8. You must describe their religious, economic, political, and social cultures and institutions. Cover every phase of their society, including the names of their coins.
9. Change your style of writing many times. Many ancient authors contributed to the Book of Mormon, each with his own style.
10. Weave into your history the religion of Jesus Christ and the Pattern of christian living.
11. You must claim that your smooth narrative is not fiction with moral value, but true and sacred history.
12. You must include in your book fifty-four chapters dealing with wars, twenty-one historical chapters, fifty-five chapters on visions and prophecies, and remember, when you begin to write visions and prophecies you must have your record agree meticulously with the Bible. You must write seventy-one chapters on doctrine and exortation, and here too, you must check every statement with the scriptures or yours will be proven to be a fraud. You must write twenty-one chapters on the ministry of Christ, and every thing you claim he said and did and every testimony you write in your book about Him must agree with the New Testament.
13. Many of the facts, claims, ideas, and statements given as absolutely true in your writings must be entirely inconsistent with the prevailing beliefs of the world. Some of these worldly beliefs must prove to be the direct opposite of your claims.
14. Included in your narration will be authentic modes of travel; whether or not those ancient people used fire; description of their clothing, crops, mourning, customs, and types of government. You must invent about 280 new names that will stand up under scrutiny through the years as to their proper application and derivation.
15. You will have to use, properly, figures of speech, similes, metaphors, narrations, exposition, description, oratory, epic lyric and parables.
16. You must invite the ablest scholars and experts to examine the text with care, and you must strive diligently to see that your book gets into the hands of those eager to prove it a forgery, and who are most competent to expose every flaw in it.
17. Thorough investigation, scientific and historical evidence, and archeological discovery for the next 125 years must verify its claims and prove detail after detail to be true, for many of the details you put in your history are still buried beneath the soil of Tibet.
18. You must publish it to every nation, kindred, tongue and people declaring it to be the word of God and another witness for the Lord Jesus Christ.
19. The book must not contain any absurd, impossible, or contradictory statements. Your history must not contain any statement that will contradict any other statement elsewhere in the volume.
20. Many theories and ideas as to its origin must arise, and after discovering and examining the facts, they must fall. You have claimed that your knowledge had come from a divine origin, and this claim continues to stand as the only possible explanation. The strength of this explanation must not decrease as time passes, but actually increase to the point where it becomes only logical explanation.
21. Your record is to fulfill many Bible prophecies, even in the exact manner in which it shall come forth, to whom delivered, its purposes, its accomplishments.
22. Call down an angel from heaven in the middle of the day and have him bear testimony to four honest, dignified citizens of your community that the record is testimony to the world, not for profit or gain, but under great sacrifice and severe persecution, even to their death beds. You must put that testimony to the test by becoming enemies to these men.
23. Thousands of great men, intellectual giants, national and international personalities and scholars for 125 years must accept your history and its teachings even to the point of laying down their lives rather than deny their testimony of it.
24. You must include within the record this promise; "And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, He will manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the Holy Ghost."
25. Millions must bear record to the world for the next 125 years that they know the record to be true because they put the promise to the test and found it to be true. The truth of it was manifested to them by the power of the Holy Ghost.
26. Over 80,000 competent salesmen must be so sold on your book that they gladly give up two or more years of their lives to take it to all parts of the world for distribution. They not only pay their own way during these years, but return bearing testimony that they time spent will remain as one of the highlights of their lives. They receive nothing in return for their efforts but the joy of having shared your book with others.
27. Your book must not only raise the standards of millions of people but do it in such a way that they become one of the great moral, ethical and dynamic marvels of the day. They must become world renowned for this.
28. For the next 20 years you must watch those that follow you, your family , and the dearest of your loved ones persecuted, driven time after time from their homes, beaten, tortured, starved, frozen, and killed. Tens of thousands must undergo the most extreme hardships in your presence just because they believe your claims concerning the origin and content of what you have written on ancient Tibet.
29. You must gain no wealth from your work, but many times lose all that you have. Like those that believe you, you must submit yourself to the most vile persecution. And finally after 20 years of this, give your own life in a very savage and brutal manner, for your testimony concerning your history book. This must be done willingly on your part.
30. Start right now and produce this record which covers 2600 years of history, doing it, not in the peaceful atmosphere of your community, but under the most trying of circumstances which includes being driven from your home several times, and receiving constant threats upon your life. Please have your book completed, talk a friend into mortgaging his farm to raise money to have it printed -- all in 60 days.

There is only one answer; The Book of Mormon is a divine record. If not, its origin must be stated and its claims must be explained by the critic. IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO MERELY DISCARD IT AS FALSE AND FORGET ABOUT IT. The first thing to do in examining any ancient text is to consider it in the light of the origin and background that is claimed for it. If it fits into that background there is no need to look farther, since historical forgery is virtually impossible.

Again, I love my family and I wish that they could come to know for themselves what I know by the Holy Ghost. There are 17 points of the true church of Christ. I've listed them below.

1. Christ organized the Church. Eph 4:11-14
2. The true church must bear the name of Jesus Christ. Eph 5:23
3. The true church must have a foundation of Apostles and Prophets Eph 2:19-20
4. The true church must have the same organization as Christ's Church. Eph. 4:11-14
5. The true church must claim divine authority. Heb 5:4-10
6. The true church must have no paid ministry. Isa 45:13, Peter 5:2
7. The true church must baptize by immersion. Matt 3:13-16
8. The true church must bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. Acts 8:14-17
9. The true church must practice divine healing. Mark 3:14-15
10. The true church must teach that God and Jesus Christ are separate and distinct individuals. John 17:11 and John 20:17
11. The true church must teach that God and Jesus Christ have bodies of flesh and bone. Luke 24:36-39 and Acts 1:9-11
12. The officers must be called by God. Heb 5:4, Exodus 28:1, Exodus 40:13-16
13. The true church must claim revelation from God. Amos 3:7
14. The true church must be a missionary church. Matt 28:19-20
15. The true church must be a restored church. Acts 3:19-20
16. The true church must practice baptism for the dead. 1 Cor 15:16 and 29
17. By their fruits ye shall know them. Matt 7:20
Why are these things important? Hebrews 13:8

I'd like to leave with you, my personal testimony. I know that Joseph Smith was an ordinary man with an extraordinary faith to approach his Father in heaven, humbled and with a contrite spirit and a pure heart, in prayer. With his obedience and diligence, he was called to restore the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth in this, the last dispensation of time. I know it as I know the sun will rise. He was a prophet, a seer and a revelator. I've entered rooms in which the prophet Joseph has lived, I've visited the places he preached, I've received my personal witness that he was a man of great faith. He was courageous and steadfast. I love the prophet Joseph and I know him in a very personal, intimate way. I would encourage all to learn of the prophet, Joseph Smith Jr. and challenge you to read the Book of Mormon. It is an additional testament of the Lord, Jesus Christ. I know that He lived, that He was crucified for the salvation of mankind and that by Him, we all may return to our Heavenly Family. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only true church. I testify in the name of our Beloved Savior, the Great Redeemer and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

I need to remind myself sometimes

2011-09-18T02:51:00.001-04:00

The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me.

2011-09-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

I'd forgotten how great a movie, The Notebook, is! It was on oxygen tonight. I suckered myself into watching it and I balled my eyes out for 20 minutes after! Noah to Allie,

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

What a great love! Lately, I've been spending a lot of time with my aunt, Sue. You know, Sue and Chuck have a love like that!! Special and unique and lasting! I'm blessed to have their example. It's not perfect, but it's real.

This week has been busy! I've applied for my substitute teaching license with the state of Ohio and Illinois. I've applied to a few districts and am excited for the opportunity. Also, I had two interviews this week with a local insurance company in Sandusky. I'll know by Wednesday if I got the position, which is for office manager and customer service. I am pretty hopeful and I think I'd do very well with it.

My new favorite snack!

And it came to pass...

2011-09-15T22:48:00.000-04:00

Oftentimes, ignorance really is bliss.

2011-09-15T01:56:00.001-04:00

On GH today, Tracy Quartermaine said,

"People who are madly in love sometimes fight about silly things. Things that are about unresolved issues, like self-worth and fear of abandonment. You fight until it's over and then you go on. Here is the bottom line to be in a rich, rewarding relationship means being willing to put in the work. It means trying when you don't want to try, forgiving when it's the last thing in the world that you want to do. And if you can't do that, then you end up alone. I've done alone, I've carved out a nice life for myself. I don't ever have to put up with being hurt by another person, I don't have to deal with the flaws of another person, I don't go through the roller coaster ride of emotions that comes with a committed relationship. You make your life about work and money and stuff, and you need more and more as the hole gets deeper and deeper. What happens if, someday, the forces conspire against you and all of the stuff goes away? You know what you have? Nothing."

Well said.

Note to self, give him a break. He’s not that guy you dated two years ago who cheated on you and lied about it. He’s someone different entirely; so don’t tar him with the same brush. Maybe he will cheat on you too. Maybe he won’t. But give him a chance to be the man that you deserve, because that’s the least you owe him. Holster your weapon and trust him because it will hurt him more than you know when the woman he loves only sees the devil in him.

Mind his privacy. Don’t go through his things or his phone. The only time I’ve pried into someone’s privacy, and likewise, all the times my friends have, we have successfully found what we were looking for—but that doesn’t make it right. Be generous with him and give him the benefit of the doubt. If your spider sense is tingling do yourself a favor and confront him head on.

Cut him some slack. He’s a boy at heart. Maybe he was playing PlayStation for too long or kicking the footy with his mates and an hour elapsed after the time he promised he would call. Maybe you had to call him to remind him he was running late to meet you. Don’t be angry, he has the best intentions. Time is allowed to slip away from him when he is having fun–it doesn’t mean he loves you any less or that he’s doing the dirty on you. If he is, you’ll just know, so until or if that even happens, just relax.

Be patient with him. Let him be forgetful and let him make mistakes, he will learn from them, I promise. Don’t strike out at him when he forgets to bring home the eggs you reminded him seven times already to pick up from the store. If you want eggs, stop being a lazy goddamn bitch and go out to get them yourself!! Take responsibility for the things you want done, and know that when it really means something, he wont let you down, even if the anal everyday tasks you want from him seem elusive. If he’s good enough for your love, he will be bringing you Friends DVDs and chicken soup when you’re sick or driving you around when your car is being serviced, even if he didn’t bring you a copy of Vogue on his way home from work like you asked him to in the morning. And he will probably do you those other kindnesses without even being asked.

Let him treat you sometimes. He might want to buy you an ice cream or a whole dinner, and it means something to him to be able to give things to you, so don’t be an indignant independent woman about it. A woman is allowed to enjoy being spoiled every so often. Also, even if you don’t like what he’s giving you, be grateful anyway—chances are he’s put a lot of thought into it and even if it’s not entirely to your liking it doesn’t mean he doesn’t “know” you. It just means he’s a big fat silly, but completely adorable, man.

Likewise, feed your man. Forget all that you read in magazines about women’s rights involving neglecting household duties. Being a working-woman AND a domestic goddess are equally sexy and legitimate. Do things because you love him, like cooking a decadent meal that you can share together.

Be kind to him. Communicate with him. Let him breathe. Give him space. Hell, you need it too! You can’t be together 24/7, nor can you be in constant contact. Let him have his boy’s night and let him return to bed with you at whatever silly hour he sees fit, reeking of alcohol. You do the same. Fall drunkenly into his arms in the still early morning hours and laugh as your recall stories of your evening madness to one another. Pass out wrapped in each others arms and wake up hungover so you can hate life together in the morning.

Give him all the things you expect from him — trust, honesty, respect, loyalty, generosity, kindness, companionship and understanding. Don’t sweat the small stuff and let the trivialities go. Being a ball-breaker is not cute, although nor is being a push over. Chose your battles. Don’t fight when he forgets the eggs. Be demanding and let him do the same. And don’t forget to tell him you love him everyday, because if he’s forgetting the eggs, chances are he might be forgetting that too.

Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.

2011-09-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

The title of this post is a quote from the amazing Helen Keller. Thanks to my dear sweet friend Erica for sharing these photos with me. I enjoyed them and so I thought to share. Enjoy.

If you always do what you always done, you will always get what you always got.

2011-09-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

Today was a great day. Earlier this week, a dear and good friend of mine, Mrs. Andrea Calloway the former Ms. Andrea Sampsel, asked me to come to church in Mansfield. I had been pondering the thought for a few weeks now. I went. I'm sure glad that I did. I was welcomed by many dear, old friends of my father; Sister Peggy Lauritzen, Sister Alice Graves, Sister Natalie, Sister Pauline Anderson and others. I cried the entire time I was at church. They were tears of sweet sweet love, for my Savior and for His atoning sacrifice, for His church and for His unconditional love and forgiveness.

Sacrament meeting was truly inspirational to me. I had forgotten how important the sacrament is. I was able to renew my baptismal convents with the Lord today, and I realized how much I have missed that. It inspired me to do better, to try harder. The talks were all wonderful, each in their own way. A new sister in the ward, Sister Linda Coburn spoke first. All of the talks were about promptings of the Spirit and following those promptings. Although I did not get the opportunity to personally meet Sister Coburn, I was inspired by her talk and thought it was great. I learned that Brother and Sister Christensen are moving to Tampa, FL very soon. Each of them gave beautiful, heartfelt, spiritual talks today. The spirit was very strong and tears fell from my eyes during the entire meeting.

Sunday school was a great lesson on keeping the ordinances. The last chapters of Paul's first epistle to the Corinthians address four doctrinal switch points where the Corinthians had departed from the truth. How I can relate! Switch points are events, decisions, new knowledge, or anything that changes the direction of our lives. A switch point is a location on a railroad track where a train can be switched from on track to another. Switch points can be negative if they lead us from the truth or positive if they put us back on the right track.

I'm nearing a switch point in my own life. I need to choose the direction that will affect my life in a positive way and get me back onto the right track. Lately, I don't think that I have been making the best decisions. I know that I can do better. I hear people talking and saying what I should or should not being doing, yet I haven't a clue. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my mom and Shane. I was able to talk with them and open up about some things that have been weighing on my mind and soul. They have reminded me of just how blessed I truly am. It's easy to fall into that rut and stay there, feeling sorry for yourself and throwing a pity party. I've never been one to do that before, but I've allowed myself to fall victim too many times.

I'm ready to do what I need to do to find my own happiness, whatever that is, no matter the cost. I am a daughter of God. I have divine potential. I don't have any more time to waste. Tomorrow I plan to visit the superintendent's office and begin the necessary steps to obtain my substitute teaching license. I also will apply for another insurance position, and I'll continue to pursue all avenues of employment. I'm going to be a much stronger, wiser person because of this experience. I'm not going to allow it to define me any longer.

On my way home from Mansfield, I decided to stop and see Randy and Marge, only they weren't home...SHOCKER!! So I called and they were at Mary's, so I stopped there. My Aunt Mary fed me dinner and we had a great conversation about the gospel. I know this might sound silly, but although Randy is very logical and objective, the one basic thing he lacks, that is the most important building block of all is faith. Without that, he will not receive the answers he is looking for.

Let us not forget, ten years after the harrowing events of September 11th, President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints remarks on the incredible turn toward religion and spirituality that took place after the 2001 terrorist attacks, but notes that as the collective grief healed, this renewed faith waned. The spiritual lessons of sorrow were forgotten. "If there is a spiritual lesson to be learned from our experiences of that fateful day," he says, "it may be that we owe to God the same faithfulness that He gives to us....We too should be with Him in every season." President Monson admonishes that destruction and tragedy should be seen as a chance to rebuild our lives with God in our hearts and minds---"we must speak to Him, listen to Him, and serve Him."

For the husband who told his wife I love you one last time before his plane went down in a field, for the wife who stopped in the stairwell to call her husband to say I will love you forever, for the mothers and fathers who kissed their kids goodbye the morning that they died, for ALL of the soldiers, firefighters and police officers who fought back and lost their lives. Today. Tomorrow. Ten years from now. We will always remember.

Philosophy of education.

2011-09-10T18:20:00.001-04:00

I believe that knowledge is power and I highly value education. I believe that wisdom softens poverty and adorns riches. It's something that I have been so fortunate in my own life to have, one that I've worked very hard for. No matter race, creed, nationality, economic status, education brings people together and makes a difference. It opens up minds, opens doors, changes lives and truly could be the world peace everyone strongly desires that seems so unrealistic. I believe that education is limitless, it's innovative and powerful.

If we're living together though, we need to get an escalade!! -Randy

2011-09-07T12:17:00.000-04:00

This video beautiful depicts the mood I woke up in. The sky is full of clouds and the rain is falling. It's cold and fall is approaching. I love the fall, it's my favorite season of all. I'm going to spend the afternoon with my Aunt Sue.

Last night, I went over to Aunt Sue's and she made dinner for me. We had salmon filets, green beans and potato salad. It was really good. I enjoy her company so much. We played a game of Dirty Dog, which she had to teach me. Then we played some hand and foot canasta style. I won the first game, and she won the second. Of course I had to take a photo of my win!!! She's a good sport. Today she won every single one :0)~

I spent the evening on Skype talking with my cousin Randy and Brian. Earlier today, Randy said, "You got no job, get applying in Chicago, you've got nothing to lose^^ I'm applying out of state, to run away, at least your running to something." Thanks Randy, you really are the big brother I've always needed and I I appreciate you, your words of influence and advice, I take all of your criticism with a grain of salt, buddy. I do love you, and I am so thankful for your blunt truth, honest intentions and brutal reality that you never cease to allow me to escape!!! You keep me grounded and sane, where would I ever be without you?

I like finding things, when I'm not looking for them.

2011-09-06T11:40:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't consider Facebook, a method of deep personal communication, but lately I've used it as such. Today, I've been talking with my dear old friend, my very good friend, Doug Gebard. He's had a rough year also, but is doing very well now and is happy. He was introduced to this blog today for the first time. His reaction was that it was very eclectic. For those of you who aren't certain what that means, he is saying that it's a random collection of life reflections, not following any one system such as a science like philosophy or medicine, but rather selecting and using what are considered to be the best elements of all the systems (or life happenings). I don't know, coming from Doug, that was a thoughtful reaction.

There are so many thoughts on my mind today, where to begin? First with my kid sister Sayah. Thank you so much to Brian, for going along with me to see her. Yesterday, I learned that she hasn't changed a bit. She will always be who she is. Accept it or leave it. I love her as she is my sister, but for now I need to focus on me. Not much else to say about it. I've tried, I really have put my best foot forward to help her, to guide her, to counsel her and be there for her. I just can't do it anymore. I'm sorry.

"You haven't found what makes you happy, and what you enjoy."

May have been true, until this weekend. Honestly, words can't describe the pure joy I feel to have connected with someone as I have with Brian. We initially connected intellectually, almost immediately I felt comfortable with him and opened myself up to him. I think that life circumstance helped me to open myself up, and he listened. He offered really good guidance and support, which was really attractive and his cute face didn't hurt either. We talked about ourselves, the past the present and the future. I was amazed at his listening skills, I have much to learn from him.

Then, our initial meeting was getting attracted to his physique. I'm sure it took him some time to determine if he was attracted to me physically also, but once I spent some time getting to know him, he grew on me. He's a very handsome man.

Last, but certainly not least, perhaps the most important of all, emotionally I connected with Brian just yesterday. We drove down to Berlin, only to spend an hour or so walking around a shop. We did it together and the best part was just being with him. He held my hand, and we talked about state flags...haha, we drove down country roads and the sky was cloudy. I wish I could have frozen time. I looked over at him and saw a beautiful man, one who spent his time, money, and made effort to come and spend a weekend with me. He made me feel special and I wasn't expecting that, at all. I may have even made the mistake of telling him that I didn't want to like him as much as I did. I think he was pretty hurt by it, so I had to make it up to him. But, the reason being, I just got out of a committed 2 1/2 year relationship. Yes I do want to meet someone, get married and have a family of my own, but I'm scared. I'm positive that he understands this better than anyone else because he too, is in the same boat and in fact, his situation is even much more severe than mine.

The point I'm making here is that I never would have expected or anticipated connecting with someone on three levels of attraction, in such a short period of time. That may be scary in and of, itself. However, it is what it is and I am smiling. Let's see where this goes!

Isn't she lucky?

2011-09-05T11:15:00.000-04:00

First off, Happy Labor Day!

I strongly feel the need to write down my thoughts. At this very moment I'm feeling so many emotions that I can't even describe my true feelings. I'm so incredibly happy, yet torn, sad, angry and bitter, but so thankful and grateful all at the same instant. I'm a humbled person, but why is that even after being burned as many times as I have, I still continue to give people the benefit of the doubt? Am I just stupid, careless, no wait, better yet, ignorant? Yes, that must be it. I had a great weekend. It was better than I could have ever hoped for, or anticipated. I know I don't deserve it, but for a few days, I was actually happy! But, that's just it, nothing ever sticks. Nothing lasts. Or so it seems with my life, anyway. What was I ever thinking? Why do I continue to try, it's like that song of Adele's Chasing Pavements!! Because, when one door closes, another opens? That's what they say. I've allowed life to get the best of me. I've allowed myself to fall victim once again and this time, I'm taking control. I'm going to go back to the girl, no the woman that I truly am. The one who does what she wants, despite the odds or what what people will say about me. I've been on my own before, I've survived a lot worse than this, I guess I'm a much stronger person than I want to be! I may be hopeless, foolish, ignorant and strong...but, I am who I am and I forgive. I do my best, I'm forced to make decisions most often ones that I don't want to make, but it's a necessary part of life. I try to use the resources I have to make the best decisions and I understand that people are going to say what they want and do what they want. What I don't understand is how people can allow their mood to get the best of them. I'm one, whose mood and attitude is often dependent upon the weather. So I understand, I can't always control our mood, but do we allow it to consume us and effect the people around us? I'm pretty sad right now, in this regard, because my close, close friend has really let me down and hurt me in such a way, that I don't know how to respond. You see, I know her pretty well and maybe it could be said that I know her inside out, I accept her as she is, and I love her. I understand that no one in this world is perfect and that we all have our own flaws. I can't excuse her actions though. I'm just extremely hurt. But, I don't want to dwell on that now though. I have another night to enjoy with this special person. I'm going to enjoy every single second! I see life differently now. I'm the lucky one, and oh boy, do I know that!

Just how lucky? Let me tell you. This weekend was full of surprises for me. It all started on Friday morning, I had a job interview. I thought it was going to be a great interview, but it wasn't quite what I was expecting. On the way to the mall for me to pick up my sunglasses, I was surprised in the parking lot by Brian Berlin, with a bouquet of beautiful, fresh cut flowers. He'd come all the way to Norwalk/Sandusky from Chicago to see me. To top it off, he brought flowers?!? I was shocked to say the least, not with the flowers but with him. I was so surprised, it was so unexpected, and although I was just a little upset at first, haha, I'm so happy and thankful things turned out the way that they did. Only he will know the expression on my face when I saw him.

Saturday was Put-In-Bay, Sunday was Cedar Point and yesterday was Berlin! Next time he visits Ohio, we're doing a weekend in Berlin!! I'm so excited for that.

I want to jump, no, leap rather, and I'm going to go for it. Let's see where I fall, or if I fall.

Eileen's Old Age Anecdotes

2011-09-01T02:32:00.000-04:00

I've pulled out my files on my family history to work on my genealogy. In doing so, I came across an envelope that read Eileen's Old Age Anecdotes. I came a cross a few good ones, that I'd like to share. Beware, my Grandma Blakely had quite the sense of humor!! I enjoyed these, and I hope that you do too!!

The Birth of a Candy BarOne Payday, Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O'Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark & Fifth Ave. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Juicy Fruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said: "you are even better than the Three Musketeers." Soon, she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth!!

How to know when You're Growing older....Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your glasses.You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.You get winded playing chess.Your children begin to look middle aged.You finally reach the top of the ladder, and find it leaning against the wrong wall.You join a health club and don't go.You decide to procrastinate, but then never get around to it.Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.You know all of the answers, but no body asks the questions.You look forward to a dull evening.You walk with your head held high, trying to get used to your trifocals.Your favorite part of the newspaper is, "25 years ago today..."You sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.Your knees buckle and your belt won't.Your back goes out more than you do.A fortune teller offers to read your face.The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Growing OldI am an elderly lady, and I live alone, but I don't get lonely because I have some men friends who keep me company. I wake up with Charlie Horse. I eat my meals with Will Power, I spend my days with Arthur Itis and I go to bed with Ben Gay. However, things are not the same. Everything is farther away now than they used to be. It is twice as far to the corner and they added a hill I've noticed. I have given up running for the bus, it runs faster than it used to. It seems too, that they are making the stairs steeper than in the old days, and have you noticed the small print they now use in the newspaper? There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud, everyone speaks in such a low voice that I can hardly hear them. Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to be when I was their age. On the other hand, people of my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old classmate the other day and she had aged so much she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor thing while I was combing my hair this morning and in doing so I glanced at my reflection and confound it, they don't even make mirrors like they used to.

ItsChrisCrocker!!!

2011-08-31T03:15:00.000-04:00

Do you remember this guy? He's the Leave Britney Alone! guy!!!! I used to watch him and keep up with him all the time while I was in Korea. I don't care what anyone says, I like him because he is true to himself and he's funny!!! I enjoyed this video!!

You’ve got to get to the stage in life where going for it is more important than winning or losing. -Arthur Ashe

2011-08-30T14:22:00.001-04:00

My sister called me last night. And again today. She went to the doctor yesterday and confirmed, she's pregnant.

Does it surprise me? Not at all. Am I happy about the news? I can't say that I am. A baby?!? It's suppose to be happy news, I'm supposed to be elated and excited! I'm not, I'm angry and I'm crushed. My sister is still a child herself, not in age, but in maturity. Not of any fault of her own I guess, but somewhere along the line you have to step outside the box and see it for what it's worth. Life is circumstance, you can't control it. Just need to collect the courage and strength to choose the right and do what you know is right.

Sayah has never done that. She has always chosen to sulk and rebel, despite all of my efforts to prove to her that she has love in her life, that I care, that she is worth so much more than life has to give, but my efforts have ceased. She says she misses me and that she's sorry and I want to believe her, but can I open myself up to rejection again? Honestly, I am not sure I'm strong enough. On the same token, do I have a choice? She's my baby sister and she is in serious need. It's not just her anymore, it's my niece or nephew now, too! Ugh, daddy....what do you have to say about this?!?? I'd sure love to hear it.

2011-08-29T02:59:00.000-04:00

I've grown up watching General Hospital. I feel like Robin is my sister!! I remember as a little girl watching her, admiring her. I remember purchasing her diary as a young teen, the one she kept while she dated Stone, just before falling in love with Jason! I've seen people come and go, characters change, leave and come back again. I've watched great story lines and some pretty bad ones too. Today's episode was just, awesome. I loved it. Jason Quartermaine Morgan is classic GH, I love the story going on now, and secretly, I hope he wakes up from this surgery as Jason Quartermaine Morgan, meaning he remembers not only being Jason Morgan, but also the old Jason Quartermaine that he struggled with so much after the initial accident in AJ's car.

Miss Leeann Lynn Reynolds, my sista friend!!

2011-08-27T02:43:00.000-04:00

If you don't think she is the cutest, most fashionable rock & mud climber in the entire universe, well then, you'd better look again!!

So...although things have been rough for me the past couple of months, I can see many blessings. Words can't even express my love and admiration for Gail & Matt and their growing family. Leeann is the best 3 year old to hang out with. She's like my be BFF!!! She is total girl, loves to play house, dress up, do her hair and nails and watch movies!! She listens to me when I talk, she asks questions and she's such a darn sponge, she doesn't forget anything!! I love that about her.

A few weeks ago, I was watching her and I desperately needed and wanted a shower. She showers with her parents but I was not comfortable with having her shower with me, nor was I comfortable letting her wait outside while I showered so I came up with the genius idea to get in our bathing suits and fill the tub with bubbles and have fun together. Fun did we have, too! She makes me laugh. Just a couple days ago, she comes up to me with a big smile on her face and says, Hey Tara...do you remember putting our bathing suits and going into the tub?!? Which is followed by innocent little giggles...I made her promise me that she would never, ever forget that memory!! Let's hope she is able to keep it with her always.

Today was Leeann's first day of preschool. She's growing so fast!!

Leeann has been one of those small, simple blessings. Her hugs and kisses have brightened my bad days, her smile brings one to my face every single time, her giggles make me laugh, her imagination never ceases to amaze me and I consider myself so lucky, so insanely blessed to have such an extraordinary little person in my life!! She's been such a comfort, and the best part is that she's only 3 and doesn't even know what happiness she's brought to me.

I feel like I need to say thank you to both Matthew and Gail, for creating such awesome little people, for being such a good example for me to follow and for your constant love and support!! Where in the world would I be without you? I love you.

"Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children." Oliver Wendell Holmes

The crisis of yesterday is the joke of tomorrow...

2011-08-25T17:26:00.000-04:00

I was watching GH the other day and Skye said this to Jax before he left Port Charles,

"My biggest regret is that you and I never found a way to make it work between us, you know? One of us was always going in an opposite direction that doesn't mean I don't think you're the most amazing man. I do. I guess you'll just have to be the one that got away, huh? Another place, another time. Yeah, somehow, never the here and now."

I can relate to this, and I'm content with letting the past be the past. I know I've said it before, but I'm certain of it this time.

I had a great conversation with my Aunt Sue today. She always keeps me grounded and knows how to calm my spirit and soothe my soul.

It's a Monday, what good ever happens on a Monday?

2011-08-22T03:20:00.000-04:00

Today, two things. Two BIG things! I got a job interview tomorrow at the Huron Co. BMV which I am happy about!! Excited for that and two, I met someone today that put a smile on my face!! It's been awhile since that's happened.

Out with the old & In with the new.

2011-08-20T02:22:00.000-04:00

I decided it was time for a change, so I dyed my hair tonight, back to my dark roots!! It is really dark and I wasn't too sure at first, but it is very quickly growing on me!! Let me know what you think ;)

Mean

2011-08-18T18:46:00.000-04:00

This girl is awesome! I happen to love her much!

You must lose yourself in order to find yourself!

2011-08-17T23:51:00.000-04:00

Today I sat at the Victims Assistance booth at the Huron County Fair. Although I didn't get an interview for a recent job opening, I am diligent in my efforts and realize that I need to endure and press forward. I also had a nice conversation with an old, dear friend. It was that conversation that inspired me to write the following:

When I attend church stateside, I look around me and I see judgemental people, people who are blessed and fortunate to have what I don't, a family, money, influence and power; even a confidence that I lack. They may or may not have happiness also, but when I see them I question everything, and become unhappy. The church places such great emphasis on family unity and leadership, on self independence and financial security. Unfortunately, I wasn't born into the church. My parents have struggled and will continue to struggle with gaining a testimony, making a living and surviving and just managing life's happenings. I'm so thankful for my parents and the example that they are for me and I wouldn't change our circumstance for anything in this world, or even the next.

I am who I am and I was sent to this earth with a purpose. I am trying my best with what I have been given. I've been here for just over 28 years, I have learned that money can be an evil thing. I know that money can't buy true love or happiness, but I can't even afford to pay my tithing! It is more of a moral burden for me than an eternal blessing. I have a heap of student loan debt that is looming over my head that I will spend the rest of my life, trying to repay. That aside, I have worked, prayed, studied and searched far and wide, diligently for divine truth. My testimony was, I'm sorry. Correction. My testimony is priceless. No one, no thing can ever take it from me! Even now, it is strong and solid. I will never, ever deny the gospel, my Savior or His church. Speaking of the Savior, if I may share some thoughts on Him, His atoning sacrifice and why yet, still I don't feel worthy to attend church.

I've spent much time studying the life and teachings of the Savior, Jesus Christ. I know of the atoning sacrifice and its incomprehensible power. So why, the, you may ask, haven't I returned to church? For the reasons stated above, despite the facts that I feel extremely alone in this world and that every single day is a battle I face alone. I've strived to choose what is right, I've had faith, the unwaiverable, unshakable faith that some people really can't understand and I've done what was asked of me. I even struggled to pay my tithing for many years, fulfill callings, get baptized and share my life, really opened myself up and shared my entire existence, being heart, mind, soul and body to the church and fellow disciples of Christ. I fell in love, it consumed me, almost even broke me, but I've spent some time mending. I was willing to follow that path that the Lord had in store for me. I had the courage to fall to my knees and beg and plead for direction, in prayer with Heavenly Father and I thought I understood what it was I was to do. I even acted upon the promptings of the spirit, only to be told no, I must have been mistaken. After all, what do I know?!?

Or so, I thought, until I spoke to Josh today. Maybe Bishop Kennedy made a mistake? Could that be possible? Lord, be with me!

I went to Korea for many reasons including but limited to escape being my families scapegoat, Josh moving on and getting married and starting a family, my career was anything but fulfilling and I desperately needed a big change. But I went knowing nothing about the Korean language, the culture or the lifestyle. That too, was in response to prayer. I didn't just go there on a whim, although to my close family and friends, I'm sure that is how it seemed. And, let me tell you how blessed I was in Korea, every single day! There isn't a doubt in my mind that I was meant to be there. I had some of the greatest times, made some great memories and experienced life! I felt so alive there. No regrets! Upon returning to the States though, I was exhausted spiritually, physically and mentally. I do not expect that any other being will understand. Perhaps that's why I haven't really talked about it, with anyone. Jennifer has asked multiple times, Josh has asked, Bishop Parr and Bishop Reel. I haven't even been able to address my Father in Heaven with prayer. Why, you ask? Well, I can't say that statement is entirely true, but because of all that I've endured to date, my experiences, or the lack thereof I feel very alone. I suppose I've distanced myself from the Church because i twas more painful for me to attend than not to. I miss it greatly, but not convinced that I am able to go back, yet. What is it that I'm waiting for? Happiness? Money? A family? Honest answer is, maybe. I don't know. I ache for these things, but I don't desire to be rich or have a family prematurely, and certainly, I understand happiness can't be forced. I don't have a definitive answer, if I did, I'd be doing everything within my power to accomplish it or get there! For now, I am living life day by day. I've tried to live it looking to the future, and I've been burned, almost too many times to count! And of course I've lived it for the past but we all know that's never a good thing, as my good friend Josh has helped me to understand today.

And to anyone who may come across this and read it, please do not feel sorry for me. That's NOT what I want. Look at the title of this blog, EVERY TRUE STRENGTH IS GAINED THROUGH STRUGGLE~~ I believe it is true.

We all have our own obstacles to overcome, our own challenges to face and our own lives to live. Yes, I've loved and lost, been victim more times than I'd like to admit, placed my faith in the wrong people but I have so, so so much to be thankful for! I have my health, my pretty face, my family and my true friends!! I wouldn't give those things up for anything!

I'm not a quitter, and I promise I won't give up. I've been in situations much worse than this. I have hit rock bottom, I've lost any and all pride that I may have picked up along the way. They say when you do hit rock bottom that the only way to go is up! I'm a natural optimist. I have no choice in this matter, I need to use this time wisely, to make some major decisions in my life, to do some serious pondering and at this point, what do I have to lose? So that means....big risks, big goals!

Our first love and last love is...self-love.

2011-08-15T03:38:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was interesting! Friday night I went to Bingo with Aunt Sue and Mary. Saturday, I picked up Dominic and we went to the Erie County Fair! Can't get over him being 16. Wow! I enjoyed my time with him, it was pretty laid back. He met up with some friends, I remember being 16!! Haha. Saturday night, Brian asked me to dinner and a movie, so we went to the drive in. I enjoyed the movies. I could totally relate to the main character in Bridesmaids, Annie. She thought she was at her lowest, but she wasn't. And the best quote from the movie, one that really stuck with me was "You're your problem. You're also you're solution." Loved it.

Captain America was a great movie! Sunday was a lazy day, it rained and stormed most of the day. I did get lunch with Brian at BW's in Sandusky. Went to bingo alone, found it relaxing. Watched our Sunday night shows with Brian then had my awesome cousin Randy give me a lift home. He's the greatest!!! He really, really is!!

Today was a busy day. I spent the most part of it with my Aunt Sue. We hosted the MICHE party tonight. I am not going to lie, I'm glad the day is over. Feels like a stress has been lifted.

So much to do tomorrow!!! I'm so tired.

Some photos from our MICHE party!

BeenerKeeKee19952, where have you been all of my life?!?

2011-08-07T02:37:00.000-04:00

For those of you who may not know, I love Adele's Rolling in the Deep! I came across this on youtube today and just had to share!! Let me know, what do you think?!?

I like this kid...and he's like a youtube celeb! I respect his carefree, fun personality that really comes through in his videos!! Fan! You can follow along with him at http://www.youtube.com/user/BeenerKeeKee19952

This is great, also!!!

But this is my favorite!! I'm definitely aboard the Keenan train!!! WOOHOO!!

Quinn Schafer

2011-08-06T20:03:00.000-04:00

This girl is AMAZING! I thought to share some uplifting music with you and then I got to thinking about Quinn. I am truly inspired by her. I love her sound, her style and her optimism. She is very talented. I had the pleasure to hear her sing at the Fireland's Idol contest this past year, where she sang Brand New Key. It was great. I attended the Fireland's Idol contest this year with Linda and Larry and Brian to support Larry's niece Caitlinn Bovia!! Caitlinn also did an exceptional job and she won in her division, so congratulations again to Caitlinn!!

Quinn doesn't know me, and I haven't actually met her but we have some things in common. Her mom, Kirsten used to be my dance instructor at her grandma's dance school. We're both from Monroeville and we both attended St. Joseph School. We both play volleyball and her best friend Sam, is the niece of my friend Renee! Also, her volleyball coach is Kendra Orwig, who is now married, so the last name is different. Kendra and I worked together at Cedar Point at TGI Friday's on the beach for many years. I know her and her sister Kristen, well! I think that Quinn is a beautiful girl. I hope I have the pleasure of meeting her someday.

I just want to show some support. I am a fan! Below I've posted some photographs of my dance back in the day!! Good for a laugh I suppose. :)

One can only pity the fool?!? Well, I've heard that KARMA's a bitch.

2011-08-04T01:36:00.000-04:00

Why is it that some people feel that everyone owes them, and they need to do nothing for it? Have they not heard of reaping what you sow? It's sad. :( I suppose one can only Pity the fool!

I am the "fool" referenced above. And not that the biblical connotation has any relevance to the current circumstance, I would like to break down and denounce the claim. Ironically, Paul wrote to the Galatians in order to correct the false teachings which had arisen with regard to the observance of the Law. It explains the concept of justification by grace through faith and how this is applied.

In GALATIONS 5, Paul the Apostle, from Rome, wrote unto them saying...

Bear one another's burdens--As ye sow, so shall ye reap--Be not weary in well doing.

1. Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted. 2. Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3. For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself. 4. But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another. 5. For every man shall bear his own burden. 6. Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things. 7. Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. 8. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. 9. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. 10. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith. 11. Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand. 12. As many as desire to make a fair shew in the flesh, they constrain you to be circumcised; only lest they should suffer persecution for the cross of Christ. 13. For neither they themselves who are circumcised keep the law; but desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh. 14. But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world. 15. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision, but a new creature. 16. And as many as walk according to this rule, peace be on them, and mercy, and upon the Israel of God. 17. From henceforth let no man trouble me: for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus. 18. Brethren, the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.

The principle of sowing and reaping is a fundamental law based on lessons taught by ancient farming methods in Biblical scriptures. In Biblical times, fields were planted in the fall and harvested in the summer. The sower would scatter seeds on the ground followed by a plower who tilled them under. The ancient farmers relied on their faith that rain would come to their parched lands. the principle of sowing and reaping means a person gets what she deserves. It is a moral proverb indicating that everything you do has repercussions. In depth, the adage stands for a lifetime. What is done throughout a person's life effects her life both on Earth and thereafter.

The scripture says not to be misled, God can't be ignored and a man reaps what he sows. It goes on to declare if a man caters to his own desires, he grows in evil and will experience "spiritual decay" and death. It continues by indicating if a man follows the "Spirit" during life, his reward will be life everlasting. The scripture ends by encouraging followers not to tire of doing what is right or give up, as reward will eventually come.

I am a fool for knowing better, but trusting anyway. I am a fool for believing, for following someone I knew I should have been skeptical about in the first place. I take full responsibility for that. I should have known better. I placed that faith, trust and determination in the wrong person.

Truth of the matter is this, you are not a good sales person. It comes down to that simple truth. Anyone in that office will attest your successes and your rewards to Kent. That wall, the nice clothes, the trips....it is all just a facade! You're right, I was foolish for thinking you were great at what you do. I was foolish for thinking you really cared about me or that you really wanted me to be successful. The real truth is that you wanted control, and you saw me as your opportunity to get it. Newsflash for you, you aren't entitled to any special treatment. Why do you get it? That is a great question! I'll bet that any other agent in that office, would like to know the same!!!

I am an honest person. I am a hard worker. I have good work ethic and I am not the one at fault here, simple as that. I know that. I'm not going to allow you to bring me down, put me down or intimidate me any more. Western & Southern has a serious management issue, where is the accountability? Who is responsible for what has been done to me, I feel victimized here. I was used, abused and then tossed aside. I have news for you hun, I've been victimized before, a few times actually and I'll be damned if I sit back and allow it to happen again.

I am at a significant financial loss. You do not seem to understand that or care. Please, allow me, to break it down for you....

**4 gift cards in the amount of $25 each
*$82.22 for the replacement tent, which you previously offered to repay half
**$193.04 for the testing materials, which you have previously offered to repay
**The bridal show in Dublin, I paid for half, $200 although you may have paid the funds for gas, you WENT SHOPPING!!!!! You weren't there to work or work with me at all!!!
**$52 times 2 for having to take the test twice!! which you also offered to reimburse me for
**Then there is a list of small stuff I purchased for events and materials....totaling to a hundred dollars or slightly more.

Tell me this, why should I pay for any of it?!? I'll tell you why I did. I felt at the time, like I was investing my funds into something that I would see a return on. You know in the entire 3 months that I was employed, you never sold a damn thing. I did, and I didn't even have the ability to sell! The knowledge, the training, none of that! I made you money, don't ever say that I didn't. I worked damn hard in that office every single day, but you were never there to see it because you were on vacation, you were at LSM, you were at Amanda's or shopping or whatever. I didn't care then and I don't care now. But, what is mine, is mine. I put in front of my PERSONAL MARKET, I defended you, I opened myself up to this mess.

In the past few weeks you've verbally attacked me, you've come into my house making demands, you've put me down, my work down, you say I've done nothing. You know, this is a text that you sent to me on Tues. June 28 @ 6:19 pm

Hey Tara, i got your email. I am truly sorry things didn't work out with the job, and feel bad about it. There was nothing else I thought I was able to do, so I asked for Kent's help. I wish you could have just hung on a little bit longer tho and given his ideas a try :( I too have no hard feelings towards you and look at it purely professional and I love you too. :) again, i am sorry. -------

The day I started working, you quit. It is as simple as that. I'm sure that you've seen my notes, the ones I copied for Brent. So, you know how I feel and where I stand. I NEVER WANTED TO HURT YOU, but I am not going to allow you to get away with this, without having any sense of accountability for you actions and your negligence. I came into that position, working hard. I did everything that you asked me to do. EVERYTHING! I invested my time, my money, my effort into what? I had no direction or training and I did mention my concerns to you from the very get-go. You discarded them, brushing them under the rug. "These things, take time Tara." "You're doing a great job on the phone, Tara." You were never there in that office to hear my on the phone, you heard it from other agents in that office!!! I put you in front of over 100 people, what do we have to show for it? Any business? Any referrals? And that falls back on me, how exactly?!?!? Not that there was a contract, but if there were, there would have been a huge breach of it on your behalf.

You must not know me very well. I don't feel like anyone owes me a damn thing, and I work hard for what I have, which isn't much. You know what you do or do not owe me, and it has nothing to do with a monetary value! And for you to even fathom that I did nothing in the 3 months I worked with you, read the above! I could care less if you pity me. It's true that I am a naive and foolish person, I'll probably always be that way because I am a person of faith, I believe in things I can't see, a hopeless romantic, an optimist who still dares to dream and set goals that are most likely beyond my grasp but I am who I am and I am a true gambler!! I like to take chances.

I honestly thought we would be working as a team. Not the case. You make it seem like you were the Savior, you helped to get me off unemployment. I don't need or want your help. I didn't ask for it, ever. You thought of me for this position and you contacted me. I may have said you ruined my life, because I do honestly feel like you've played a significant role in me being where I am now. But you know what, I'm going to be ok! It's hard not to take this personally when you text and call my phone, come over to my house uninvited and eavesdrop on my conversations, text my cousin and talk to my aunt about me. It really does go both ways. I'm done talking to anyone we both know about this situation. It is OVER!!!! :) :) :) lol lol lol lol ha ha (as you put it) And I am feeling so good about that. I'm grateful for some of the relationships I've built with other agents in the office. I'm thankful for the bullshit and manipulation I endured, because now I know better for the next time, when something sounds too good to be true, it probably, no, it sure IS!

This final thought, I leave with you. I hope this was all worth it, for you. Some religions embrace the "you reap what you sow" principle in their own way. Hinduism and Buddhism embrace the concept in their ancient belief of Karma. Karma is derived from the Sanskrit word meaning "actions." Although interpreted differently by both religions, Karma has the same basic meaning; a person's actions are in direct correlation to her good or bad fortune throughout her current and next life. I'm waiting, watching to see what happens next.

Even Superman has to take his cape off...sometimes!

2011-08-03T09:07:00.000-04:00

Pride...can get in the way. I've always considered myself a strong person. My life experiences have forced me to become a survivor, albeit a hollow and empty inside, I've managed thus far. Today I don't feel strong, at all. I feel extreme fear, weakness and anxiety. I've been living in the past for far, far too long. I have come to that realization. I'm passed that, now, thank goodness! I just want a brighter tomorrow. In order for things to change, we must act, I must act!

I don't have any resentment. Do I wish things were different? Hell, yes! But they are as they are. I was 12 years old when Dominic Cummings was born into this world. I may have seen him once. I don't even remember that. All I remember are photographs. It isn't fair to me, it isn't fair to my family and it isn't fair to Dominic. He is 16 now. Craziness!!

I do not have the greatest relationship with my brother, Jeremy or my brother, Shane or my sister, Sayah for that matter. In fact, I rarely talk to any of them. My good friend has helped me to realize that I can't control their actions, and that they need to take responsibility and have accountability for theirs. Thank you, Brian :) It wasn't easy for me, but what a relief it has been! I've always had this desire to be close to my family, to be close to unconditional love. Truth is, my siblings are far from capable of that. That's okay, it doesn't make me love them any less, just know I have a greater understanding and it has brought such peace and contentment to me. However, when it comes to Dominic, Jeremy's firstborn son, there is this gaping hole...in my life. He is my nephew. I'm exceptionally close to some of my aunts and uncles. I am close to Jeremiah and Jordan, Jeremy's other sons. I strongly desire to know Dominic and share life with him.

Recently, I found him on Facebook. It took me great courage to add him as a friend. I had no idea what he would think. Does he hate me? Does he even care? Does he ever think about his dad and his dad's family? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he happy? That one really bothered me. I didn't know if it was in his best interest if I added him, messaged him or told him I wanted to know him because I have not forgotten the way he was kept from Jeremy and from our family. My father never had the opportunity to know his grandson.

After careful consideration, I decided it was right to reach out. I did so. Last week, we texted for a short time. I found out he is a good wrestler, and he is planning on playing tennis this year. He is going to be a junior! Today he told me his mom didn't know we were talking. That bothered me. So, once again I had to muster up enough courage to reach out to her. I sent this message....

Hi ----.

I'd like to talk to Dominic, if it's ok with you. Hard to believe that he's 16!! I have really missed getting to know him. I think about him often. I know that you haven't wanted any of Jeremy's side of the family close to Dominic, and although I don't understand why, I'm not a mother and I respect you. I am not a bad person. I love my family very much, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I don't talk to Jeremy. I'd like to get to know Dominic, but wouldn't try without your permission.

Some info on me, I'm 28 now. I'm living in Norwalk, looking for a new career. I just left Western & Southern Financial Group in June. I am casually dating someone, we broke up in June after a 2 1/2 year committed relationship. We are working it out. I don't have any children, I did have a dog but now Brian keeps her.

As time passes, my family seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Jeremy had two other children, who also now live with their mother in Galion. I love them more than words can express. I am a good aunt, and I want to be one to Dominic too, if you'll let me.

-Tara

Now, I'm left to wait. Will she reply? I don't know, she doesn't owe me anything. I have the utmost respect for her. Dominic is healthy, happy and doing well. She is his mother and I have to trust her to do what is right for him.

Dad, if you're somewhere in the eternities and you're able to read this.... I MISS YOU. Life isn't the same without you in it. I miss you more with each passing day. Mom does a great job, helping me...I know she misses you too! You always were my superhero!! Now you're also my angel. Please be with me today, comfort my soul and calm my heart.

I'm okay with things as they are now.

2011-08-02T18:03:00.000-04:00

What a crazy summer this has been!! It has really forced me to open my eyes, ears and heart. I have never felt so, vulnerable and helpless. Not to worry though, the experience has brought me to a new understanding about my life, who I am, who I want to be and what I want. I have been unhappy. I need to change that and I'm the only one who can.

My breakup with Brian was very bittersweet. Bitter, in that breaking up is never a good, easy or comfortable thing to do. Brian finally had gathered up the courage to say to me what I couldn't say. Our break up talk is something that I'll never forget. I love him even more, now. The first night away from him was tough. I didn't sleep much and I tossed and turned. The first week dragged on. The second week was the hardest and I'm not sure I'll ever forget the anxiety, fear and uneasiness I felt in the week, esp. that one Sunday night. My poor mother. Thank you so much, sincerely from the bottom of my soul for being so supportive and understanding. I wouldn't have survived it without you. The breakup was sweet in that it needed to happen if Brian and I are ever meant to have a future together. I know many of you may not understand that, and that's ok. But, it's true. Sometimes you have to completely break something before you're able to put it back together, or repair it. I love Brian, but I didn't love myself. We both need some time to discover what we want in life. I'm okay with things as they are now. We still talk, and spend time together.

I turned 28 a few weeks ago, yet I am as naive as ever. Will I ever learn my lesson? I'm no longer working with Colleen. I'd like to say that I have no hard feelings towards her, but that would a lie. The past few months her actions, have spoken volumes to me about her character. Some might think, I should have known and I'd like to agree. I was skeptical at first, but I ran with the idea because why? I'm not sure I know, maybe the hope that things wouldn't turn out as I knew they would. Haha, I don't know. It is what it is, I'm a much stronger and wiser person from this experience. That's for certain!

Tomorrow I have an interview. I don't want to dish out too many details, as I am very excited about it. If it works out or looks positive, I will share more details with you. For now though, I am going to fill out an application for a position to which I am also extremely excited to apply. Then I need to go shower. My phone is finally keeping a charge, so get a hold of me!! <3

Everyone deserves to be remembered, especially on their birthday!

2011-07-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

Thank you MOMMA!!!! I had a great birthday, thanks to you!!

Blessed love, sent from Utah!

2011-07-15T20:57:00.006-04:00

I'm back!

2011-07-13T17:40:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have been struggling. In a two week period I lost what seemed like everything; my boyfriend, my best friend, my dog, my job, even my sanity, I had to move out and in... It's been crazy rough. But, I needed to go through this. I haven't been mentally or emotionally stable for a long while. I've hated myself for a long, long time. How can I expect someone else to love me, when I don't even love myself.

I have a lot to work on. I've started by reconnecting with myself. Then, rebuilding relationships in my life. Starting with my own self, then those I haven't had good relationships with such as Jenny, my mom, Shane and even Brian.

I don't know where I am going to be next week, next month or even next year. What I do know is I need to retake control of my life. I am excited to be blogging again. Let's do this....one day at a time!!

Email sent.

2011-06-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

Bill, Colleen, Kent & Brent,

Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today Kent and Brent. I’m sorry to say that I simply can’t afford this job anymore. I’ve given it my best effort and I’ve reached rock bottom. I’ve spent the past two days in this office, waiting for you to direct me. Truth of the matter is, I’ve been waiting for some direction for much longer than the past two days. In December of last year, I was approached by Colleen to join the Western & Southern team, and my experience hasn’t been pleasant.

Although I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me today, I felt it a waste of your time and mine. I did listen to what you had to say, but you didn’t listen to me. I heard you say you understand, but you don’t. How could you? Do you know what happened to me in the past two weeks? When I came in to interview for this position, I was sold on this great concept, that is not reality. I’m being held to the same standards that any other agent is, yet not given the tools and resources to succeed. I admire and respect Kent and his successes, but I strongly feel that putting me with him now is a little too late. It took all my being and strength to walk out of his office today. I refuse to continue to work for you, when you’re not working for me. I’m disappointed, I feel used and abused and I’m done. I won’t continue down this path. I may be foolish to give up the healthcare benefits and the pension and the perks W&S provide, but in the long run, I walk away with my sanity and hopefully a much wiser person.

In regards to Colleen, although she may be a distant relative, I consider her a member of my family and I love her. I respect her and I think she meant well, however this circumstance or this pilot program if you will, has ruined my life. How, you ask? If I may explain. I hold no hard feelings toward Colleen, and I view this as a professional, not personal by any means. But, I accepted this job when I had just began collecting unemployment. I no longer have that benefit. A month after starting with W&S, I was selected for a random drug test. I found out I have diabetes. Now, I was lucky enough to apply for my own W&S policy, but now I can’t afford to keep it. Hey, I can’t even afford my rent or to put gas in my car.

I am not coming into the office tomorrow, I’m sorry Kent. I would have loved the opportunity to work with you, but not under these circumstances. I wish you all the best of luck and continued success.

Tara L. Blakely
5006 Timber Commons Drive
Sandusky, OH 44870-8906
Direct 419.239.2197
Cell 419.577.5034
FAX 419.609.9921
tara.blakely@wslife.com
www.wslife.com

Break-Up

2011-03-12T03:22:00.000-05:00

Day 302 - My Day

2010-10-30T17:13:00.000-04:00

Today was the BIG SPHS vs. MVille football game, yet I stayed home to take a candlelit bath, play SOCOM and relax! Brian went to the game with Brad and his dad. After they went back to Kevin's to watch the OSU game. I enjoyed staying home alone, it was heavenly. I'm not away from Brian very often, so it was a nice, short break!

Day 301 - Home Movie Night

2010-10-29T17:04:00.000-04:00

Brian and I rearranged the furniture at our house and now we have my 50 inch television in the living room with the PS3 and the 42 inch in our bedroom with the 360! We are lucky enough to have NetFlix on both, so we watched Valkerie tonight, the movie about the plan to kill Hitler during his reign in Germany. Tom Cruise stars in the movie. I fell asleep, because I was so exhausted.

Day 300 - Rough Week

2010-10-28T17:02:00.000-04:00

I need a vacation, bad!! So looking forward to Ashley Newcomer's wedding which is quickly approaching in November!! How exciting it will be to spend some time with Brian's family, I always enjoy spending time with them. We laugh and are happy together. It's very different from my dysfunctional family. Not to mention, Ashley has been planning this weekend for such a long time, I can only imagine how beautiful it is going to be. I'm honored to be a witness to her special day!!

Day 299 - Worth fighting for

2010-10-27T16:56:00.000-04:00

Thomas Jefferson once said, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for." Think about that for a bit! Happy day friends!!

Day 298 - The Relationship Talk

2010-10-26T16:52:00.000-04:00

You know what I'm talking about, "The Talk!" No one ever wants to have it with their significant other...but Brian and I do it from time to time, and I almost always feel better after. Honestly, we have been struggling lately. I think that partially, we are frustrated with each other. I love the man, I truly whole-heartedly do, hopelessly love him. We have been together for almost two years now. We know each other pretty well. And we tolerate each other, but I don't want to just tolerate him, or have him tolerate me, I want and need so much more.

Everyone struggles, it's a part of life, right? Let's see if it makes us stronger.

Day 297 - Hardships

2010-10-25T16:50:00.000-04:00

They are everywhere, I'm really struggling right now....in many ways. I'm aching. It's like walking on eggshells.

Day 296 - Lessons Learned

2010-10-25T16:01:00.000-04:00

Maya Angelou once said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I’ve learned that opportunities are never lost. Someome else will take the ones you miss.

I’ve learned that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’ve learned that under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I’ve learned that it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I’ve learned that money doesn’t buy class.

I’ve learned that sometimes all a person need is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I’ve learned that being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned that the less time I have to work with, the more I get done.

I’ve learned it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.

I’ve learned that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’ve learned that just one person saying, “You’ve made my day!” makes my day.

Day 295 - Harvest Party

2010-10-23T14:46:00.000-04:00

Today we went to Colleen and Clarks for their second annual Harvest Party. It's great, I love it. The soups, the activities, the family and the desserts!! Yum. So, I spent more money than I ever should have going to the party, but it was a good time. I also learned a few important lessons today, first, not to take Bella places other than Linda and Larry's and my moms. It's not a good idea. Second, not to play poker with my family. There is a long story to this, that I'm not going to go over here because it just saddens me and I'm in a good mood. I know, it's not often that I am happy. What I will say, is that I was targeted pretty hard by the guys, John, Matt and Bob. I should have known better than to even play with them!

Overall though, I'm glad I went. It's what I enjoy in life.

Day 294 - Trees of Love

2010-10-22T17:25:00.000-04:00

It was once said some time long ago
I think that I will never see anything as lovely as a tree

Yet in the hills of southern Ohio
I think lovelier than one are all the trees

The history, the stories all can be read
From the living, the green, the brown and the dead

In all four seasons, on valleys and hills
The calm, their beauty, the excitement and thrills

Along the rivers and creeks, the brooks and streams
The trees are everywhere as though it seems

Their colors, their smells, their shapes and size
Are uplifting and invigorating to these old eyes

From that fallen monster at Dysart Woods
To the cypress swamp knobs in Dawes Arboretum's goods

The burley giant entering Burr Oak on the right
The gigantic sycamores along Scioto in the moonlight

The pawpaws sparsely scattered in the hills of Muskingum
The buckeyes on campus every fall I will see them

The red cedars on my grandpa's down in Adams County
Now the Amish produce hand made beauty from their bounty

The hemlocks and laurels along the ridges of Conkle's Hollow
Those hickories and walnuts throughout Zaleski we know

With my love, my [Brian], we hike and go see
All the blissful beauty in these Ohio trees

A tender sapling from a simple seed
We plant in our yard a tree that we need

So when we can't go any more, due to reasons unknown
You can find us both under a tree that long ago was sown

Written By Danny Paul Madden

Day 293 - New hair.

2010-10-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

I needed a drastic change...so I streaked my hair. It was pretty expensive, but worth it, so so worth it. I feel like a new woman. Pictures coming soon, or check out my facebook!

Oh, and a very happy birthday to my cousin, Matthew Robert. Hope it was a great day for you!

Day 292 - NFL Season

2010-10-20T14:31:00.000-04:00

It is official. During NFL season, I am pretty much boyfriendless. He's glued to the TV, the phone [verizon NFL app], internet [fantasy league]. Am I jealous? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. I am however, glad that he is passionate about something. Seeing him happy, makes me happy. I like football, I enjoy watching football, I'm from Ohio...c'mon! But, I can't spend ALL day Saturday, Sunday and Monday evening watching it!! I'm female too!!

So, I need some more independent hobbies!

Day 291 - Scores

2010-10-19T14:28:00.000-04:00

GRE, CRT...probably doesn't mean a whole lot to you unless you work at a call center. Have you ever seen the hit sitcom, Outsourced? I love it! Although work is nothing like the show, I enjoy the humor. Anyway, so this month I have been getting some great scores at work. That's a good thing, right? Yes, but it's crazy that I'm finally getting some strong 4's when I'm putting very minimal effort into it. When I was actually trying to earn those top scores, I was getting 3's.

I'm happy for the recognition, but surprised a little, I'm not going to lie.

Day 290 - SOCOM

2010-10-18T14:23:00.000-04:00

I've been playing my old PS3 game, SOCOM: US Navy Seals Confrontation and loving it! I have a few friends that I play with too. It's very entertaining and a great way for me to escape. I am not very good at it, but I love it just the same. I always enjoy a challenge, and this game is unique and the experience is different every time, which is probably one of the reasons I love it so much. The interactive online gameplay is what makes it so great, you never play the same game twice. Strategy is key. I enjoy it. I've been playing it in every spare moment I have.

Day 289 - Knowledge [of greatness].

2010-10-17T14:15:00.000-04:00

I have caught myself thinking about church, Christ my Savior and the gospel a lot lately. I miss it and my soul yearns for it. I just feel so overwhelmed and... I pray. I've been praying more often lately too. I stopped for a long time. Why? Why did I ever stop? It feels so good. I'm slowly taking the steps I need to take, to overcome this burden, this cross that has so often at times felt unbearable. Not another soul on this earth understands, and that's ok, because my Savior does.

I have been struggling a constant struggle since I've been home from Korea. No, before that. This is life. I'm learning. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted, and I finally feel a little peace. I don't know that everything will be ok, I don't know how this is all going to turn out, I'm scared out of my mind, but I know Christ and I know He loves me, He will not forsaken me, ever! And, that is an amazing feeling to have that knowledge.

Day 287 - TROUBLE

2010-10-16T14:06:00.000-04:00

Trouble
Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble
Been doggin' my soul since the day I was born
Worry
Just will not seem to leave my mind alone
Well I've been saved by a woman
I've been saved by a woman
I've been saved by a woman
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now

Trouble
Feels like every time I get back on my feet
She come around and knock me down again
Worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend
Well I've been saved by a woman
I've been saved by a woman
I've been saved by a woman
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now
She won't let me go
She won't let me go now

She good to me now
She gave me love and affection
She good to me now
She gave me love and affection
I said I love her
She's good to me
She's good to me

Day 286 - Optimism for the future and contentment with friendship!

2010-10-15T13:58:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how, or why, but I am still very optimistic about finding a career/job. I'm satisfied with Teletech, but there is so much that I do not understand and do not agree with. I'm learning so much about myself, and it's great! I love it. I'm a natural leader, and although others influence me and impact me greatly, I have my own thoughts, ideas, ways of doing things and that makes me feel great about myself. I have found this new confidence and it's awesome.

Thanks to Hannah and Brianna for befriending me at work and for their support and encouragement. Thanks to them for listening and for sharing with me. I really appreciate having good friends who I can trust and depend upon at work, especially in such a competitive and changing environment as we have. Love you girls mucho gracious!!

Day 285 - Skype

2010-10-15T01:17:00.000-04:00

~*~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA! ~*~

Today was long. In between calls today at work, I started to read Gordon B. Hinckley's book, Way to Be! which my cousin Jennifer bought for me years ago. I've often had intentions of reading it, but never quite gotten to the task. I'm glad I've chosen to read it now, because it is much needed at this point in my life. I'm enjoying it and will have the book finished by tomorrow after work.

Tonight I Skyped with my long lost cousin and good friend, Randy! Yes, he only lives a few miles down the road, but since I never see him it was nice to catch up. Randy, now that you're aware of my blog, I hope you read it and keep up with it more often. Love you. I can't wait to read your book!

Skype, how I have missed you. I'm going to start getting back into it, and using it as a messenger on my computer. Brian and Thera are next!! YAYA...

Day 284 - Juvenile Detention Director/Erie County

2010-10-14T01:03:00.000-04:00

I dropped off my application today to the HR department. With Brian's help I was able to sleep in, drop it off, catch breakfast, get gas and manage to make it to work on time! He was very helpful to me today.

So, family and friends, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I feel this is what I have been waiting for, this is the position for me, the one that could make my career! I haven't been very patient, and I'm very anxious to jump in there and do the job....but, what are my chances? I tried not to get my hopes up or get too optimistic about this job, as I have been disappointed time after time in the recent past, but it's just too late. I'm already too excited about it. I can't lie, that scares me...a lot. Fingers are crossed....

Day 283 - Julie Yvonne

2010-10-13T00:58:00.000-04:00

Julie is my older cousin. I've looked up to her since before I can remember. She used to babysit me when I was younger. I loved the time that I got to spend with her. I idolized her, wanted to be just like her. She was the older sister I didn't have. Hey, maybe I was the little sister she didn't have. I have many, many fond memories of our time together growing up, tucked away for a rainy day. She means a lot to me. I respect her and I admire her opinion. So, I've found this AMAZING position with Erie County that I am going to apply for and who did I turn to for advice and support? Who other than, Julie! She's the very best. She went above and beyond what I ever could have expected from her. She was very helpful and insightful and gave me some perspective I hadn't thought of previously, so to you Julie, a very heartfelt thank you!!! And to John, her dear husband, I thank you as well. I miss you both and hope to see you soon!! Oh, and love you too!

Day 282 - PTO

2010-10-12T00:56:00.000-04:00

Who doesn't love taking a Monday off work, and getting paid for it!! TeleTech can be crazy at times, but they treat me fair and I can't complain about that! I had today off as a planned PTO day...and what did I do? Spent the day cleaning this house with Brian! Oh the joys of having our own place...

Day 281 - Blakely #11

2010-10-11T00:40:00.000-04:00

Today we went to Lexington to cheer on the Jaguars! The weather was too nice to just sit inside and watch TV. It felt amazing to sit on the grass and feel the heat beaming down from the sun. The weather was perfect for a fall day and we definately enjoyed it. My nephew, Jeremiah is number 11 for the Lexington Jaguars and his step dad is the coach. Brian and I wanted to show some support!

Day 280 - Fall Cleaning

2010-10-10T00:36:00.000-04:00

Today Brian and I spent the entire day cleaning the house. It was time consuming, but felt so very good after it was finished. We put the air conditioner away for the season and pulled out the space heater. We deep cleaned cupboards and gutted the storage room. We are planning on making a trip to the landfill and it feels great!! I started burning the candle from Jenn and Clint's wedding today!! Feeling good!!

Oh, tonight we went to Aunt Sue's and played poker. Leeann is growing up way too fast.

Day 279 - Wall Street

2010-10-08T23:42:00.000-04:00

Tonight Brian and I went to see the new movie [it premiered last week in theaters], Wall Street, Money Never Sleeps with Shia LaBeouf and Michael Douglas. I thought the movie was fascinating and very interesting, even though I have not seen the prequel, Wall Street from the 1980's.

But here is a great monologue from that movie! "The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA." As stated by the great, Gordon Gekko himself!

Day 278 - My dear Carrie Bradshaw has said...

2010-10-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

Do we need distance to get close? When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past? Men who are too good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be. I don't believe in e-mail, I'm an old-fashioned girl...I prefer calling and then hanging up. Can you really forgive if you can't forget? Balls are to men as purses are to women. Every once in awhile, a girl has to indulge herself. Let's be honest, sometimes, there is nothing harder in life than being happy for somebody else. Like lottery winners, or extremely successful people who are 27. And then there's that hell on earth that only your closest friends can inflict on you, the baby shower! Maybe the past is an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you are to become who you were meant to be.

Day 277 - Man's Desire

2010-10-07T00:24:00.000-04:00

ENOUGH IS NEVER ENOUGH!!! Eh, it's very true. I'm trying really hard to be content with what I have. My mom always encourages me to count my blessings and be positive. She's right, but she's a better person than I am.

Day 276 - Church...on my mind and in my heart!

2010-10-06T00:16:00.000-04:00

True religion is the life we lead not the creed we profess. I'm sorry if I'm letting people down, including myself. I don't expect anyone to understand what I am going through right now, just know, I am working on it and someday, I will make things right again. I miss church more than words could do justice to the emotion miss, it's an ache in my being, my very existance. Thank you for your prayers, for your love and for your compassion. As Christ is the Savior, I am eternally grateful.

Day 275 - Happiness.

2010-10-05T00:10:00.000-04:00

I am looking to be pushed to my limits and constantly redefine myself. For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life, that is...but there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. I think Korea helped me with that a lot!! This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. So truly treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey to be had and not a destination. I'm still learning that one! I believe Souza said that.

Day 274 - R&R

2010-10-04T00:07:00.000-04:00

Sleep is the best medicine, the great cure-all. Isn't that the truth! I love it. Some may say that it's a waste of life, but I enjoy it too much to care. I consider a blessing when I get to sleep in or take a nap. I don't think I'll ever take that rare treasure for granted ever, ever again.

Today was pretty relaxing. Didn't do much, just some laundry and cleaning up around the house. Sweet dreams.

Day 273 - Family Day

2010-10-03T00:04:00.000-04:00

Today we spent the entire day with our families. We met at Danny Boys at 1 for lunch with Brian's family, and then met up at Linda and Larry's after for dessert and games. It's always such a fun time with them. After that, we went over to Colleen and Clark's for cards. I lost way too much money, but enjoyed the company!

Day 272 - Grandpa Nuke!

2010-10-01T23:59:00.000-04:00

First of all, I can't believe it's already October!! Craziness, I tell you! I've made some new friends at work, and it feels good; Raven, Hannah, Carrie and Briana! They're great, and make the down time at work pass by much better.

TGIF! Grandpa Nuke [Newcomer] came into town today. He went to watch Alaric defeat South Central tonight. I would have liked to go to the game, but it's hard when I work until 8! Major bummer.

Brian and I stopped over to Linda and Larry's tonight after work. It is always such a treat to see him!

Day 271 - Food for thought.

2010-09-30T23:56:00.000-04:00

And so they say, if you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep!

I've been sleeping for too long. I'm ready to get up! I can do this! Let's do this!

Day 270 - Dreams...

2010-09-29T23:30:00.000-04:00

When the alarm clock rings, the best part of my day is over! How sad is that? Does anyone else agree?!?

Day 269 - Beauty

2010-09-28T23:27:00.000-04:00

Is in the eye of the beholder...

Day 268 - Anxiety

2010-09-27T23:25:00.000-04:00

Worry is the darkroom where negatives develop.

Back on April Fool's day, I was told this, and it has stuck with me. How true it is.

Day 267 - Fall means football!!

2010-09-26T14:32:00.000-04:00

I just had to get my brows waxed today! So, afterwards Brian and I went to Applebee's for lunch. We made it back in time to play a few games of Dr. Mario before the Buckeye game. We went to cheer on SP at their game against Mapleton. Alaric made a few mistakes, but Shawn had a great game! After the game we went to mom's and played a few games of pinochle and had dinner. My mom won the first game and I won the second. Tomorrow we're going to Linda and Larry's for dinner.

Jeremiah's first game is tomorrow, I want to go, but not sure if we'll make it because Brian has a golf scramble in the AM. Best of luck to you, Jeremiah!!

Day 266 - Brooklyn's Finest

2010-09-24T14:27:00.000-04:00

Today, after work, Brian and I stayed home and watched a movie on TV and ordered pizza. The movie was, in my opinion, a huge slap in the face to NYPD. The movie was good most of the way through it, then at the climax and to the end, in my opinion, was very poor. I wasn't a fan. This pizza and the company was great, however! <3

Day 265 - Brian Love.

2010-09-23T13:02:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Brian has been off work, which makes me worry a little. He doesn't seem to worried about it, though, so maybe I shouldn't be? He's been making my lunch to take into work and making me dinner when I get home. He's a good boyfriend, I'm a lucky girl!

Day 264 - What to do?

2010-09-22T12:50:00.000-04:00

So I have this opportunity to travel to the Philippines with TeleTech, making 30,000 for 9 months of training in this management program, then taking my chances at getting a great location, as a director! When I reached my 3rd year, I'd be making 60,000! The down side, I have to commit 3 years to the program.

I've always said that I didn't want to live my life for money, and I do mean that, but lately I feel like I'm drowning. Financially, I am suffocating.

You know, when I was young, I trusted and listened to my teachers, guidance counselors and leaders. Get an education. I did. I worked my a** off to graduate. I have struggled to reach this point in my life, and I can't get a good, decent job here in my hometown. It makes me bitter, angry and upset. Considering the government, whom I've paid taxes to since age 14, and upheld and respected since birth, wants their money and will do what they need to do to get it. I've seen them tear down my mother and keep her down for her entire adulthood.

I feel like I don't even have a choice here, I feel like I have to take this Philippines opportunity, just to make it through this life. If I do so, I leave my boyfriend. That very thought crushes me. Brian, although hesitant to commit to me, is everything I want. I leave my family.

I don't want to leave again. And so, with that, I've made my decision.

Day 263 - Unconditional love.

2010-09-21T12:38:00.000-04:00

So there is a man, who has been there for me most of my life. He stood up for me, when there was no one else who would and I will never forget that. He has watched me grow up and has given me advice. He has listened to me, helped me and in recent years I'm not but disappointed.

When my father passed away, or when I can't reach my mom, he's the very next person I call. I've watched him struggle most of my life. He was even near death at one point, and it was really difficult for me.

I know that he cares about me, and that he loves me, regardless of the fact that he doesn't show it, quite to the contrary actually. But, to me, it doesn't matter. I love him anyway. I know he's chronically, severely depressed and that does break my heart. He's been like a second father to me for so long. And that has meant the world to me. Despite the cruelty and animosity directed toward me from my family, I love them anyway.

I'm sorry if I upset you. I hope you'll forgive me.